All my life I have been surrounded by and in relationships that dripped with drama—some more than others. I had a nagging intuition that this wasn’t right—that is wasn’t the way relationships were to work. But no one else seemed to think anything was wrong, so I kept my mouth shut. Not to say I have not opened it when I shouldn’t have and suffered the consequences.

Think of your own relationships and how messy they can be. Hurt feelings and insecurities to be nurtured, misunderstandings, and all of these fueled by gossip and pride. Often I hear women say they were better friends with guys than girls because guys were easier. Women, what are we doing to each other?

Much of the drama is caused by sin and self. We want what we want. We are insecure so we act ugly to make ourselves feel better or we judge someone else to make ourselves feel better. We worry about what others will say if we befriend a dear sister who is not on their “in list.” Haven’t we all been on both sides of that?

Some of the problem is fueled by what we have been falsely taught or what we have falsely understood is the way Christian women are to behave. Good Christian women don’t confront, and don’t set healthy boundaries. Good Christian women let others dump on them indefinitely. Good Christian women assume all responsibility for anyone’s hurt feelings and the condition of the relationship. Good Christian women are available to everyone at all times. They never say no. (Sidebar—when we say yes to someone we should say no to, we are saying no to someone we should say yes to.)

Today I want to discuss three keys to healthy relationships—three keys to doing relationship the way Jesus did. Get ready to have your “Good Christian Woman” role model smashed—not the biblical model, but the common wisdom model. These three keys must be handled with humility and love or we assume an attitude of supremacy (critical spirit) and harshness.

 1. Speak the Truth in Love.

This command came from Ephesians 4. Here Paul has finished a brief teaching on the purpose of spiritual gifts—to equip the saints for service, and to build up the body of Christ (v. 12), so that we may have unity of faith, knowledge of Jesus and mature into the image of Christ (v. 13). “As a result we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves, and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming. . .” (v. 14). Think about it. We are to know what we believe, what the Bible says, and not to be easily influenced. What are not to be influenced by people who are frauds or try to use “deceitful scheming” against us. When I hear this I think of little old women getting their life savings taken by a con man. But what are we in danger of being deceitfully schemed? Anything that is from the world and tries to mix in with our Christian faith. Below are a few deceptions from the enemy that Christians fall for as readily as the world does.

• Divorce is okay. We can’t get along. We don’t love each other.
• Abortion. What will other Christians think if they know my daughter is pregnant? She must have an abortion.
• Pornography and all things sexual, either public or private. It’s only me. No one else knows or is getting hurt. Checking out the bum of the cute waiter counts. The girls in my daughter’s Christian college have pictures of half naked young men papering the walls of their dorm rooms. If they guys did this, well, they couldn’t in a Christian college.
• Checking out as parents when our kids hit the teen years. I’ve done all I can. They won’t listen to me any longer.

Before we go on, I must say I am not condemning anyone. We need to love and support each other. Each of us needs grace and the church needs to extend grace. What I am saying is that with all humility, remembering our own miserable condition, we are to speak the truth in love. Encourage our dear sisters with the truth in their time of trials. No one gets better from having the wound massaged. A wound needs medicine and healing. That comes with truth. That’s why first we must discern “What is truth?”

I must warn you, though, most women will not receive this truth well. Even if they ask for the truth, they probably don’t want to hear it. Graciously and lovingly speak the truth as you would want it spoken to you. Then shut up. Stop talking and give the person room to process. She may not respond at all, but that’s ok. Don’t start talking again. Don’t try to sugar-coat your words or re-explain or apologize. If the conversation is over then assure her of your love and support and you’re done.

I started with the big issues, but there are lesser issues we need to speak the truth in love to keep our relationships healthy. When a friend calls and says it this a good time to talk and you have a baby on your hip, a toddler attached to your leg, and your hubby calling on your cell phone, nicely tell her No, this is not a good time. Can I call you when things settle down (in about 15 years!).  

Last week a young mom of a second grader called me for advice. Her daughter’s friend had told her an as-truth story that included some disturbing information. The daughter was scheduled to play at the friend’s house on Saturday. I advised the young mom to call the other mom and matter-of-factly say, “Tiffany shared with me a story Angela told the kids at school today and I thought you might like to know what she said.” Then after she repeated the story she was to stop talking. The mom graciously and lovingly spoke the truth in love. That’s all she needed to do. Which leads us to the next key to healthy relationships . . .

2. You are not responsible for how the other person processes or reacts.

Again back to key #1. All of our interaction is to be done with grace and love. The couple of times I have shared the truth in love and did not receive a good reaction it really bothered me. I had done nothing wrong and still they were upset, even angry with me. This is the key to not getting drug into the other person’s reaction. Answer the question, “Have I done anything wrong?”

Let’s take a quick look at how Jesus handled this type of situation. Matthew 15:1-14. The Pharisees are hot on Jesus’ heels to catch Him in a slip up. They confront Jesus of His disciples not washing their hands like they do. Jesus speaks the truth in love to them. He ends His teaching by calling the crowd to Himself and saying this to the them—read v. 10-11. Ouch! Pharisees shot down! Then read v. 12. The disciples were concerned the Pharisees would get mad and then there would be consequences. Ahh, I love Jesus’ response—v. 13-14. He does not care. He speaks more truth and lets it lay where it lands. Jesus is not affected by the Pharisees’ reaction or their bruised egos.

No, we don’t want to be mean, but if we speak the truth in love we have not done anything wrong and the hurt feelings are truly the issue of the other person. I have been admonished by dear sisters who truly care for me. Proverbs 27:6, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Those wounds did not hurt. I knew they were for my best. I listened and heeded their words.

3. It’s not all about me.

We just can’t take personally how others behave or respond to us. More times than not a person’s poor behavior is sparked by their own issues. A wise woman once told me, “If in this situation you were truly the only one at fault, then the other person would have responded graciously.” See when another person responds poorly to us it is evidence of what is in them, not a reaction to anything we have done. Matthew 12:34, “You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.”—Jesus to the Pharisees.

So don’t take anything the other person says or does personally. Don’t be offended, thereby, making your own set of issues from which you will need to repent. Let it slide off.

Handle this situation with humility and love. Humility remembers that she was once where this person is and that for everyone growth is a process.

Love wants what is best for the other person. Taking offense and getting mad will not help anyone.

Love and humility will enable us to wisely and confidently use the three keys to do our part to unlock healthy relationships. 

 

 

.