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February 23, 2010

Bible Study Tuesday–Three Keys to Drama-Free, Healthy Relationships

Filed under: Uncategorized — Brenda @ 7:23 pm

All my life I have been surrounded by and in relationships that dripped with drama—some more than others. I had a nagging intuition that this wasn’t right—that is wasn’t the way relationships were to work. But no one else seemed to think anything was wrong, so I kept my mouth shut. Not to say I have not opened it when I shouldn’t have and suffered the consequences.

Think of your own relationships and how messy they can be. Hurt feelings and insecurities to be nurtured, misunderstandings, and all of these fueled by gossip and pride. Often I hear women say they were better friends with guys than girls because guys were easier. Women, what are we doing to each other?

Much of the drama is caused by sin and self. We want what we want. We are insecure so we act ugly to make ourselves feel better or we judge someone else to make ourselves feel better. We worry about what others will say if we befriend a dear sister who is not on their “in list.” Haven’t we all been on both sides of that?

Some of the problem is fueled by what we have been falsely taught or what we have falsely understood is the way Christian women are to behave. Good Christian women don’t confront, and don’t set healthy boundaries. Good Christian women let others dump on them indefinitely. Good Christian women assume all responsibility for anyone’s hurt feelings and the condition of the relationship. Good Christian women are available to everyone at all times. They never say no. (Sidebar—when we say yes to someone we should say no to, we are saying no to someone we should say yes to.)

Today I want to discuss three keys to healthy relationships—three keys to doing relationship the way Jesus did. Get ready to have your “Good Christian Woman” role model smashed—not the biblical model, but the common wisdom model. These three keys must be handled with humility and love or we assume an attitude of supremacy (critical spirit) and harshness.

 1. Speak the Truth in Love.

This command came from Ephesians 4. Here Paul has finished a brief teaching on the purpose of spiritual gifts—to equip the saints for service, and to build up the body of Christ (v. 12), so that we may have unity of faith, knowledge of Jesus and mature into the image of Christ (v. 13). “As a result we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves, and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming. . .” (v. 14). Think about it. We are to know what we believe, what the Bible says, and not to be easily influenced. What are not to be influenced by people who are frauds or try to use “deceitful scheming” against us. When I hear this I think of little old women getting their life savings taken by a con man. But what are we in danger of being deceitfully schemed? Anything that is from the world and tries to mix in with our Christian faith. Below are a few deceptions from the enemy that Christians fall for as readily as the world does.

  • Divorce is okay. We can’t get along. We don’t love each other.
  • Abortion. What will other Christians think if they know my daughter is pregnant? She must have an abortion.
  • Pornography and all things sexual, either public or private. It’s only me. No one else knows or is getting hurt. Checking out the bum of the cute waiter counts. The girls in my daughter’s Christian college have pictures of half naked young men papering the walls of their dorm rooms. If they guys did this, well, they couldn’t in a Christian college.
  • Checking out as parents when our kids hit the teen years. I’ve done all I can. They won’t listen to me any longer.

Before we go on, I must say I am not condemning anyone. We need to love and support each other. Each of us needs grace and the church needs to extend grace. What I am saying is that with all humility, remembering our own miserable condition, we are to speak the truth in love. Encourage our dear sisters with the truth in their time of trials. No one gets better from having the wound massaged. A wound needs medicine and healing. That comes with truth. That’s why first we must discern “What is truth?”

I must warn you, though, most women will not receive this truth well. Even if they ask for the truth, they probably don’t want to hear it. Graciously and lovingly speak the truth as you would want it spoken to you. Then shut up. Stop talking and give the person room to process. She may not respond at all, but that’s ok. Don’t start talking again. Don’t try to sugar-coat your words or re-explain or apologize. If the conversation is over then assure her of your love and support and you’re done.

I started with the big issues, but there are lesser issues we need to speak the truth in love to keep our relationships healthy. When a friend calls and says it this a good time to talk and you have a baby on your hip, a toddler attached to your leg, and your hubby calling on your cell phone, nicely tell her No, this is not a good time. Can I call you when things settle down (in about 15 years!).  

Last week a young mom of a second grader called me for advice. Her daughter’s friend had told her an as-truth story that included some disturbing information. The daughter was scheduled to play at the friend’s house on Saturday. I advised the young mom to call the other mom and matter-of-factly say, “Tiffany shared with me a story Angela told the kids at school today and I thought you might like to know what she said.” Then after she repeated the story she was to stop talking. The mom graciously and lovingly spoke the truth in love. That’s all she needed to do. Which leads us to the next key to healthy relationships . . .

2. You are not responsible for how the other person processes or reacts.

Again back to key #1. All of our interaction is to be done with grace and love. The couple of times I have shared the truth in love and did not receive a good reaction it really bothered me. I had done nothing wrong and still they were upset, even angry with me. This is the key to not getting drug into the other person’s reaction. Answer the question, “Have I done anything wrong?”

Let’s take a quick look at how Jesus handled this type of situation. Matthew 15:1-14. The Pharisees are hot on Jesus’ heels to catch Him in a slip up. They confront Jesus of His disciples not washing their hands like they do. Jesus speaks the truth in love to them. He ends His teaching by calling the crowd to Himself and saying this to the them—read v. 10-11. Ouch! Pharisees shot down! Then read v. 12. The disciples were concerned the Pharisees would get mad and then there would be consequences. Ahh, I love Jesus’ response—v. 13-14. He does not care. He speaks more truth and lets it lay where it lands. Jesus is not affected by the Pharisees’ reaction or their bruised egos.

No, we don’t want to be mean, but if we speak the truth in love we have not done anything wrong and the hurt feelings are truly the issue of the other person. I have been admonished by dear sisters who truly care for me. Proverbs 27:6, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Those wounds did not hurt. I knew they were for my best. I listened and heeded their words.

3. It’s not all about me.

We just can’t take personally how others behave or respond to us. More times than not a person’s poor behavior is sparked by their own issues. A wise woman once told me, “If in this situation you were truly the only one at fault, then the other person would have responded graciously.” See when another person responds poorly to us it is evidence of what is in them, not a reaction to anything we have done. Matthew 12:34, “You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.”—Jesus to the Pharisees.

So don’t take anything the other person says or does personally. Don’t be offended, thereby, making your own set of issues from which you will need to repent. Let it slide off.

Handle this situation with humility and love. Humility remembers that she was once where this person is and that for everyone growth is a process.

Love wants what is best for the other person. Taking offense and getting mad will not help anyone.

Love and humility will enable us to wisely and confidently use the three keys to do our part to unlock healthy relationships. 

 

 

.

February 17, 2010

Tuesday’s Bible Study Notes on Wednesday

Filed under: Christian living,Marriage,Respect for husbands,Uncategorized,Wives — Brenda @ 7:37 pm

Due to a glitch on my part Tuesday’s Bible Study notes are on Wednesday this week. Sorry for the delay!

Since the spring semester has more weeks than Princess Unaware has chapters, I am sprinkling a few different messages throughout the semester. Yesterday I presented material from my new book, “He’s Not a Mind Reader and Other Brilliant Insights for a Fabulous First Year of Marriage,” to be released in October, 2010. I believe the material in this book is beneficial to wives of all ages.

He’s the Man

 Intro:

“Her man.” That is the way my grandma refers to someone’s husband.

Her man worked on the farm.

Her man had a heart attack.

Her man was from Kansas.

No matter what she said about “her man” or someone else’s man, she said it with a measure of respect. With that measure of respect came a certain way of treating her man, of talking to him, and the expectations she had of him. I find that measure of respect lacking in many marriages today—no matter the generation. I see women of all ages treating their men like little boys, incompetents, or girlfriends.

They are missing God’s plan for wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33) and the blessing and benefits that come with that. Most men, when treated with that measure of respect, will respond by becoming worthy of it and treating their wives like queens. The way we treat our men helps determine the kind of husband they become. If the wife belittles and nags her man she most likely will end up with a weak and possibly wandering husband. However, if she treats her man with the measure of respect that our grandmothers inherited from their mothers, most likely her man will adore her and treat her like a queen.

In our family we have a mantra we declare when Gene exemplifies the epitome of manliness—“You’re the man, Gene (Dad). You’re the big, hairy man!” This has nothing to do with his physical appearance. This mantra applauds him when he does the gutsy thing or the hard thing no one else will, when he stands up for truth, or when he fixes something or tries to fix something. It is our way of showing him respect and affirmation in fulfilling his role as provider, protector, and defender.

I. The Problem

A. The current culture and the women’s movement have done their best to feminize and emasculate men. (Don’t write to me about the women’s movement. I was alive when it started. I know its positives and negatives.) As a result men are confused about how to live out their masculinity and still not get smacked upside the head with a woman’s oversized handbag just for trying to open a door for her.

B. If that weren’t enough to confuse a man’s identity, many were raised by mothers who refused to let their sons grow up and have modeled disrespect for their own husbands. They’ve tried to “protect” their sons from any discipline from their dads.  They have tried to coach their husbands on how to have a relationship with their sons because, well, of course the dad couldn’t figure out how to relate to his son without her help.  Many of these moms have refused to acknowledge their sons as maturing young men or give them the respect due as men.

If you and your husband grew up with healthy role models, great! But if not, your man may not be accustomed to being shown respect. And if you were raised by a mother like the one I described, you may not know how to show respect to your man.

II. The Solution

Respect is an attitude that permeates every area of the marriage. It is seen in everything we do for our husbands and everything we say about them and to them.  And when respect permeates our marriages, our husbands will flourish as the men God created them to be, and we, too will be blessed.

I was asked to do a devotion at my sister’s bridal shower. I poured through the Bible looking for good role models of wives (not moms). I could find none. Sure, some women were good in some areas, but I could find no wives that were shown to do well in all areas. The only role model I could find was the Proverbs 31. This is how hard it is to be an excellent wife.

Proverbs 31:10-31 talks about how a wife lives out respect and affirmation for her husband. “She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her” (verse 12, AMP). The wise wife is the go-to-girl for her man. He knows she is where he goes to be appreciated, encouraged, and understood. The wise wife protects her marriage by respecting her husband.

Let’s talk about a few ways to “only do good” to your man.

  • Never belittle him (especially in public) or use his secrets against him. This means never sharing his secrets. Aubrey, (married 10 years), shared her wisdom with me. “It’s a loyalty thing. I am surprised how women ‘vent’ about their husbands to anyone and everyone. He may not even know it, and certainly doesn’t see or hear every instance where I abstain from joining in the husband bashing. Perhaps it doesn’t directly build up our relationship, but indirectly it does. It cultivates an attitude of loyalty and an attitude in me that says I’m on his side.”
  • Get out of the way so he can take the lead. Most men won’t fight their women for the role of leader (they shouldn’t have to either). Express your opinion. Respectfully give your input. Ask questions. Then give him time to think things through and make a decision. The weight of their responsibility is heavy and they want to get it right.
  • Seek his input on your decisions, even if they don’t involve him.
  • Praise him for doing or attempting a home repair job. Gene is a dirt construction guy. He knows how many trucks of dirt will be needed to build a road. He knows what type and how many heavy equipment machines are needed to do the job and he can orchestrate all of them working in unison. But when we were married he was not as accomplished with basic power tools. He learned from experience as he worked on our first fixer-upper and from more experienced men.
  • Praise him in front of your dad (or others) for his latest accomplishment whether it be home repair or at work. Lisa, a young bride, learned this lesson the hard way. “We were in a small group setting and I made a comment about my husband not being technologically savvy with some piece of equipment. It truly embarrassed him and he was mad at me. He is very sensitive about not being more experienced  with certain technology, and it really hurt his feelings. After almost seventeen years of marriage, I am aware of his sensitive areas and am very careful with what I say. Joking, teasing, or even mentioning a husband’s weaknesses in front of others belittles them. Now I genuinely compliment him or affirm him in front of others when appropriate.”
  • Tell him you believe in him, even when he’s had a terrible, awful, bad day.
  • Acknowledge the little things he does. My wise, young friend Anne shared with me, “It took me a while to figure out that for me to just say, ‘Thank you for putting a new trash bag in the can’ went a really long way in him feeling loved and respected. I started our first year of marriage by disciplining myself every day to thank him for doing three things—even thanking him for ‘minor’ things like picking up milk, and paying the bills—things he is ‘supposed’ to do anyways. It made me aware of how well he serves me, and to be grateful for him, thereby increasing my respect for him! Now it’s just a regular part of our interaction.”
  • Respect his role as the provider. Theresa’s husband is a restaurant owner so he works long hours which could easily be a source of irritation for her.  She told me, “I don’t always have a great attitude about his job, but I try to keep my mouth shut until it passes. Instead of complaining about his job and how many hours he works, I need to come along side him, support his work, and be grateful that he is a passionate man who loves his family and his work. A few years ago when I decided to be more positive than negative about his work, I saw big changes in both of us.”

III. The Benefits

The benefits of a wife’s respect are also discussed briefly in Proverbs 31.

  • Her husband trusts her (verse 11). Oh, the problems in marriages that could be fixed if only there were trust. 
  • Her husband prospers and is respected by others (verse 11, 23). A wife’s respect and admiration can bring out the best in her man. He carries himself a little taller. He strives to do his best for her and to please her.
  • He also praises her (verses 28, 29). What woman couldn’t use a little praise and admiration!

The best thing you can do for your marriage is to respect, affirm, and appreciate your big, hairy man. Even if he’s not quite there yet, start building him up with respect. You will see him transform and you will be the one who benefits.

How do you show respect to your man? Is he your big, hairy man?

February 12, 2010

Mini-Blog for Moms (and Dads)

Filed under: Christian living,Disappointment,Encouragement,Fun,Kids,Teens,celebrate life,discouragement,moms,parenting — Brenda @ 2:57 pm

I need to share my heart with you. It’s too much for a tweet and not meaty enough for a regular blog, but I’m sure someone will get a morsel from it.

My baby girl was terribly disappointed by a friend yesterday. Plans they had made for weeks were abandoned without much explanation from the friend. My baby feels disappointment deep. She loves hard and she falls hard. The cliche goes, “A mother is only as happy as her saddest child.” I don’t live by that, but last evening was tough as I watched her bleed internally.

What is a mom (dad) to do? Calling the other party or other party’s parent was not appropriate in this situation. We’ve got to wisely discern where to intervene. The only thing I could do was to care for my baby. We hugged. She sobbed and sporadically blurted out her thoughts. We hugged some more. 

That’s it.

Today is a day off from school so we will go thrift store shopping for items to redecorate her room (by her design). We will laugh and take the day at her pace (mostly likely looking at just about everything in the store, which drives me crazy–but not today).

So there’s my wisdom.

  • Listen.
  • Hug.
  • Know when to intervene and when not to–most of the time is a “not to.”
  • Affirm.
  • Speak their love language.

It’s simple but not easy. Love on your baby today whether or not she’s having a bad day.

I’d love to hear how you love on yours.

February 9, 2010

What’s Enough?

Filed under: Confidence,Others' expectations,Overwhelmed women,Perfectionism,Success,Writing/authors,confident living,discouragement,priorities,saying no — Brenda @ 5:17 pm

Since my writing/speaking ministry has grown to somewhere past part-time and very close to full-time, I have received advice to get myself out there more–facebook, blog, twitter, newsletters, etc. And while this is excellent marketing advice, I have found it very difficult. Even though I have pruned my life and I am living my priorities, I am still the mom, the wife, and the chief operating officer and administrative assistant of the Garrison household (Gene being the CEO). I have many responsibilities that only I can do. That leaves me with a limited chunk of time to devote to ministry.

I also have found that most of the advice comes from men, who do not have the 24/7 responsibilities of the COO.  (I know this sounds sexist, but statics support the fact that women still do the majority of parenting and household chores.) Those who do more often have back up help–backed by a ministry, administrative, etc.

Other women often share with me their similar story. “I would love to write, but I don’t have time. I work outside the home and then when I get home I have my family to take care of. ” However, from men I hear, “I would love to write, I just need to make myself.”

 Again, please know I am not man-bashing. I do, however, want to help women answer what’s enough when the world demands more? We all have full lives and there seems to always be someone telling us we should do more.

  • Volunteer more
  • Workout more
  • Take more “me time”
  • Spend more time in Bible study and prayer
  • Be more like someone else–mother-in-law, sister, the pastor’s wife, the neighbor, (fill in your blank)

I beat myself up with this “more” club for months–trying to do better, but mostly feeling guilty and unworthy because I wasn’t doing more. Finally when I didn’t have the strength to lift the club one more time, God gently lifted my chin from the ground and said, “You are doing enough. But you are trying to do My  job. I will take care of the results.”

Really, God? Really? Aren’t I failing you if I don’t . . . .?

God doesn’t often repeat Himself with me even though I’m a slow, hard-headed learner. This time was no exception. His silence reaffirmed His initial words of comfort. ”I will take care of the results.”

A precious woman who lived long ago also felt she was not enough. Her story is in 2 Kings 4:1-7. She was a widow with debt that she could not pay. Her sons were about to be taken into slavery to pay the debt. But God intervened through Elisha. Elisha asked what she had. She replied only a pot of oil. Elisha told her to go to the neighbors and borrow all kinds of empty vessels–and not a few, but as many as she could. Then she was to pour oil from her pot into the other pots. When the last pot was full the oil stopped. She sold the oil, paid off the debt, and had plenty to live on. What she had, a little pot of oil, was enough. God took care of the results. 

Where do you feel not doing enough? Are people expecting, even demanding more from you? What God told me is true for you, too. ”You are doing enough. You are trying to do my job. I will take care of the results.”

Listen, it is easy to let stuff and people creep into our lives that have no business there. When our lives are stuffed we will never feel like we do enough. To prune the stuff and people that have no business in our lives:

  • Get with God and ask Him to show you what or who needs to go. Maybe seek wise godly counsel in this area. Cut them from your life our drastically limit your time spent there. I know, easier said than done, but you can do it in order to live God’s plan for your life.
  • Determine your priorities.
  • Plan how your life would look if you lived them.
  • Live it. Your priorities first. One day at a time. It’s a process.

Living this way is not failing God. It’s doing what God designed you to do. It’s letting God do His part to work through you and bless you.  There will always be someone who wants more from you, but to your heavenly Father you are enough.

February 2, 2010

Bible Study Tuesday–Prayer

Filed under: Bible Study,Christian living,Life as God's Girl,Prayer,Princess Unaware,Relationship with God — Brenda @ 7:52 pm

Hi, Everyone,

This is the last of the foundational chapters of Princess Unaware. As I told my small group this morning, if this was all you would read of Princess Unaware and truly understand and live it, that would be enough for your life time. Our lives are all about relationship with God. Without that nothing else matters. So, dear friend, as you read today’s notes, sink deep in relationship with your heavenly Father Who is crazy about you. It is all about relationship.

Wow. This was a tough one. Looking over the truths of God discussed in chapter 3, and seeking God’s guidance on which one to address today, I was thinking, hmm, we covered God is love pretty well last week. Sovereignty of God—yep, that’s good, especially for moms. The faithfulness of God—oh, now that’s a good one for moms! Then came the section on prayer. Ugh. I’m definitely not qualified to dig in to that (I know I wrote that section!). And then that’s all. What to do? Back to prayer. My prayers of late have not been great. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.

As I struggled to decide which part of the doctrinal elephant of prayer to bite off and attempt to digest for you, I asked myself, “What does God want me to know about prayer?” As I hinted, my prayer life has been lacking. What’s the deal? Then I asked God, “What does He want you to know about prayer?”

First let me tell you my deal and see if you can relate. In a few moments of raw honesty I admitted why my prayer life is lacking.

  • Many prayers seemed to go unanswered for a very long time.
  • My prayer list became more of a grocery list. Read it and check it off.
  • I wouldn’t have said it, but my thoughts and actions revealed I was believing the lie that my prayers weren’t working. (Hint—problem in my theology)
  • So many situations not changed. So many people still in hard times or not walking with God. Were my prayers making a difference?

I allowed Satan to stir up discontent and disbelief in me. That took away my passion to pray and put distance in my relationship with God. When I’m not in relationship with God, I’m not praying.

God showed me four truths that we all need to know and cling to.  But first we need to have a working definition of prayer. This is deep so be ready to take notes—Prayer is relationship. Yep, that’s the crux of prayer—it is relationship. Turn to someone near you and tell them, “Prayer is relationship.”

The first relationship with God started in the Garden of Eden. God was “walking in the garden in the cool of the day” (Genesis 3:8). It doesn’t say exactly why God was in the garden, but it is implied that it was His habit to meet with Adam and Eve there for a time of fellowship and possibly teaching. Look back to 2:15-17. God surely taught Adam how to care for the garden and He also tells him about the trees in the garden and not to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. In verse 22 God set up the first blind date—He introduced Adam to Eve. I’m sure that after a brief introduction God didn’t need to do much else. Adam probably took one look at the woman straight from the Creator’s hands and said, “I’m in!” See the interaction between God and Adam from the very beginning. God is all about relationship. It must have been a fun time in the Garden of Eden while it lasted.

 

So in that relationship what does God want us to know?

 

  1. He cares. He cares deeply about our lives and everything that concerns us. Psalm 144:3, “O LORD, what is man that you care for him, the Son of Man that you think of him?” Never think God is too busy or your situation is too small. God thinks about us. O-o-o. He cares about us. Thinking God is too busy is contradictory to who God is so it is a lie. We are doing warfare on lies this semester.
  2. He hears. Psalm 145:18-19, “The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.” God hears us. We don’t have to get His attention. We always have it. We don’t have to wait till God is in a good mood. He is always has time for us. He always hears us.
  3. He answers in His sovereign will. John 11:1-44. This is the story of Jesus and His very good friends Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Read 1-6. V. 4—Jesus states the point of Lazarus’ illness. We almost never know the point of what God is doing in our lives or our loved ones’ lives at the beginning. (expound) V. 5-6–Jesus loved this precious family. He knew that in order to glorify God and accomplish His will these dear people would suffer deeply.

Verse 11—15. Lazarus has died and now Jesus is on His way. The disciples don’t get it, and to us observers it seems a bit late. Again in v. 15 Jesus states the purpose of His delay—“and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe.”

Verses 21–Martha tells it like it is. “If You were here, if You came when we sent for You Lazarus would still be alive.” Then she adds in her faith in Him, “But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” She believes, but she doesn’t realize the power of God or Jesus.

Verses 28-36 tell of more of the story, but let’s jump to verse 37. Oh , the Monday-morning-armchair quarterbacks! They like to suppose and speculate. But they don’t know Jesus or His power.

Verses 38-44. God’s sovereign will revealed.

God always has a sovereign will that will be accomplished. Isaiah 14:26, “For the LORD Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart Him?”

God is God and He loves us. Put both of those together and we can trust His sovereign will for us. We may not understand it. Think of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Try to add up everything the angel told her, Joseph’s communication with God, knowing Jesus and witnessing all of His life and then the death He died, His resurrection and His ascension. But still all was not well. Life was still hard. Most people still did not believe.

Which brings me to the last thing I think God wants us to know.

 

 4. He wants us to rest in Him, abide in Him, and trust in Him.

Remember, prayer is relationship. Relationship is doing life with God. John 15:5-7. “Remain in Me,” “Abide in Me,” “Come to Me. . .Take My yoke” (Matthew 11:28-29)—it all means do life with God. When we do we can rest in Him and trust in Him. 

Living It 

How will all of this doctrine help me live a fabulous life? Prayer is relationship. (Turn to your friend and remind her that prayer is relationship.) In a minute we will have our three minutes of prayer. Be raw honest with God about what is the problem in your prayer relationship (which is your whole relationship) with Him. Then continue that conversation with whatever is on your heart. Maybe you just want to sit in the love of God for the rest of the time. That’s great, because why—prayer is relationship—and in relationships we don’t do all the talking all the time. It’s great to just sit with God and be with Him. Maybe you want to open your Bibles and meditate on a verse or two that God is speaking to you through. Whatever. This is the beginning of a lifetime of relationship with God. When our 3 minutes is up, continue on in relationship with God, talking to Him throughout the day and being aware of His presence continually.

Three minutes of prayer.

Did you start a lifetime of prayer/relationship with God today? I would love to hear about it.