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About Brenda

June 29, 2009

Riley’s Unfriendly Neighbors

Filed under: Christian living,Confidence,Fighting Fear,New opportunites,Uncategorized,confident living,forgive self,forgiveness — Brenda @ 9:09 pm

After living at home for about one month, Katie moved back to the town where she will be attending college in the fall. She starts a new job this week. She is gone and so are her cats. Her two cats were a constant source of stress and anxiety to our dog, Riley. Riley tried befriending the kitties but they did not want to meet their new neighbor. The cats were to stay in the family room in the lower level, however, every once is a while they would get out. Riley finally decided that if they didn’t want to be her friend she would defend her property. She chased them back to their room. Even so, Riley was timid about going in the family room.

After Katie left we returned everything to its place and vacuumed. That evening we brought Riley into the room to see her reaction. She was timid, sniffing for any sign of the dreaded kitties. She poked her nose around furniture and under the pillows on the sofa. She didn’t find any cats, but she didn’t believe they were gone.

The next day we did the same thing. “Riley, where are the kitties?” we asked to see if she would look for them. She looked and still didn’t find them.

Today is the third day and she is still timid about going in the family room. She is still not sure the cats are gone.

Poor Riley. She is in angst for nothing. She is haunted by her experience of the past month. I trust she will eventually forget about the cats and enjoy an evening of watching TV with her master in the family room.

Our family laughs at Riley’s fear of the long-gone kitties. I hate to admit it, but I used to be much like my clueless puppy. I would let past experiences, failures, and words from others haunt me and keep me from confidently living my life. Watching Riley reminded me how silly it was to yeild to memories of the past. Sure, I have learned alot from my past, but I don’t live there any more. God calls me to live the life He planned for me. “I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. . . But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14).

Now I make it a habit to immediately dismiss from my thoughts any “hauntings” of the past. Good memories are welcome, but “hauntings” are not. I am living the fabulous life God has for me and that takes all of my focus. I can’t have one hand holding on to the past and one reaching for the future. It won’t work.

What about you? Will you let go of the “hauntings” from your past? If you need to confess something to God, do it. Let Him sweep your life clean. Begin to confidently live your calling (whether it be ministry, professional, wife, mom, friend) by ”forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.”

June 20, 2009

Missing the Girls

Filed under: New opportunites,Transitions in parenting,moms,parenting,young adult children — Brenda @ 6:06 pm

This week has been a hard one. If you read my last blog, you know that Kelsey and Kerry have been at camp this week. I miss them terribly. They have grown into fabulous young women and they are so much fun to be with. They both have a great sense of humor. They get and laugh at my jokes. Our inside jokes provide an instant giggle and strengthen our bond.

As I said, they are fabulous young women and that means they have their own lives–lives that do not revolve around me. I am thrilled they have interests and goals and that they are pursuing them. I am excited for all the new experiences they are having. I wouldn’t want them to be any different. However, this means I must adjust my role as their mom.

In order to cofidently live my calling as the mom of young adult women, I must do two things.

First, I must continue to remember that’s it not all about me. It’s not about them meeting my needs, but me continuing to meet their needs. So I make meeting their needs my priority–no strings attached.

  • I encourage them. Pursuing dreams and goals is hard work. Sometimes obstacles and failure try to sideline my girls. My job is to encourage them. Speak truth to them of who they are in Christ and the fabulous plan He has for them. I remind them He will give them all they need to succeed and if it were easy everyone would be doing it.
  • I support them. Support can be encouragement, but it is also practical. Kerry loves to design clothes and costumes and then make them–without a pattern! I love to sew, but always with a pattern. I support her interest in clothing design by helping her take her designs from paper to reality.
  • I advise when necessary and asked. How often I advise and how much advice I give depends on the age of each child. For my oldest daughter, Katie, who is 22, I advise when asked. The same goes for Kelsey (age 20). I will throw out ideas for her to consider and she is appreciative. I give Kerry (age 15) room to make her decisions within the boundaries we have as a family. I advise and help her think through issues as well. 

I will adjust to this new phase of parenting by taking more opportunities to meet my needs.

  • Gene and I have more time to pursue our interests and goals. Our date nights often include a trip to the home improvement store for supplies for our latest project. Hey, that’s our fun! Our girls think we are pathetic.
  • I have more time to pursue my relationships with my friends. We are going to need each other even more as we all experience the empty nest.
  • I have more time to pursue the ministry God put in me.

The trick in becoming the not-needy-helicopter-but-well-balanced mom is still being there for the girls while not making them the center of my world. My girls have shared with me about other parents they know that have cut the parental ties with their kids to the extent that they are not there for them at all–to help, advise, encourage, or enjoy relationship. By keeping the it’s-not-all-about-me attitude I give without expecting in return and then I pursue the other areas of my life. All of this helps me to continue to be a vibrant, interesting woman who my adult kids want to be around.

The girls come home tonight! I will excitedly listen to all their stories. I will feed them comfort food till they bust. I will tell them how much I love them and how proud I am of them. I will tell them the crazy and naughty things Riley did when they were gone. But I won’t whine about missing them.

What about you? How are you transitioning to your next stage of parenting whether it be from toddler to preschooler, junior high to high school, or the inevitable empty nest?

June 16, 2009

Fun in the Sun?

Filed under: confident living,forgive self,forgiveness,sunburn — Brenda @ 3:23 pm

We just returned from our family vacation in Florida. Wow, the sun is stronger in Florida than it is in Illinois. My second daughter learned that the hard way. The conditions were perfect for a severe sunburn for her. We went to the beach on our first day in Florida. Kelsey, like our whole family is fair skinned (see family pic on bio page). She is on a medication that makes her skin super sensitive to the sun and she decided she didn’t need sun screen. I know, I know. I tried to tell her, but the wisdom of her twenty years told her she knew best.

On day two after our day at the beach, Kelsey awoke with a bad sunburn and blisters forming on her shoulders and back. These were not little blisters, but large, look-like-there’s-a-growth-on-your-shoulder blisters. She was freaked out. She began to sob, “I’ve ruined everyone’s vacation!”

“No, you haven’t. We’ll still have a good time.” I tried to encourage her.

I made a couple of phone calls for medical advice and we did all we could to treat the burn and keep her comfortable. We kept her out of the sun and even though we changed our original plans we had a fun vacation. The rest of the family kept an upbeat, positive attitude as we pursued Plan B.

However, Kelsey’s mood was glum. I asked her many times if she was in pain and she said she was not. She was down and unwilling to make the best of the situation. Finally, I told her, “Kelsey, no one is mad at you. We are all having a good time. You need to forgive yourself.”

Her eyes went down and she didn’t reply. As all good moms know, I needed to say it one more time to make sure she got it. “Kels, we are having fun. You need to forgive yourself so you can have a good time, too.”

Her eyes were still locked on the floor, but she nodded slightly. I knew she knew it was true, but she wouldn’t let herself off the hook. However, she would hardly be letting herself off the hook. She was suffering and it will take weeks for her skin to fully heal.

How many times do we miss out on our fabulous lives because we won’t forgive ourselves? The past is done. We confess our sins to God and we’re forgiven. We apologize and make amends where we need to, but that’s all we can do. We must forgive ourselves and move on to the next thing God has for us. For Kelsey it was fun souvenir shopping, dinner out, and touring a lighthouse. Not too bad. When she returned home her next week as a camp counselor would be changed because she could not get in the sun, but she could still enjoy time with her junior high campers.

The Bible instructs us to live this way, “Not that I have already obetained it, or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14).

Finally, Kelsey did let herself off the hook on the day we went to a large shopping mall with a couple of her favorite stores. Her perky personality returned as she and Kerry searched each store for fashion treasures. Plan B was working. 

Do you need to let yourself off the hook for something from your past or maybe yesterday? Forgive yourself. Forget the past. Reach forward to what lies ahead. Only then can you confidently live your calling.

June 3, 2009

A Lesson from "the Nam"

Filed under: Confidence,Fighting Fear,Marines,Military,New opportunites,P.O.W.,Vietnam War Vets — Brenda @ 5:55 pm

After almost 25 years of marriage, I am tempted to believe I know everything about my man. Saturday morning’s coffee together proved to me once again Gene has depths I did not know existed.

We sat in the living room early Saturday morning enjoying our usual time of coffee before the kids and dog got up. In his usual calm voice Gene began the story of a conversation he had with a fellow Marine while serving in the Vietnam War. (In case you’re doing the math, Gene is ten years older than me and he served in the Marines near the end of the war.) I know very little of Gene’s military experience, because he hates to talk about it. But this Saturday morning must have been the right time to share this powerful story.

“I was in the mess hall at the base in Okinawa (Japan) for R&R from Vietnam. This private sat down across from me. I heard stories that he was a P.O.W. Everyone was afraid of him because he was a crazy, rebel type. He was about 6’6″ and 250#. But I wanted to know what happened so I asked him.

‘I heard you just got back from “the Nam”.’

‘Yep.’

‘Heard you were captured.’

‘Yep.’

‘Any others escape with you?’

‘No, they were too scared to leave. I knew sooner would be better than later.’ ”

Gene stopped the story here to fill me in on the details. This private had been captured while in “the bush.” (He was a forward observer, a soldier sent out alone to check out the enemy and call in air strikes.) The others held with him far outranked him–captains, lieutenants, and a major. They were pilots who had been shot down. They were all held in this P.O.W. camp for the initial four to five days. In boot camp the soldiers are taught that, if captured, they should try to escape immediately. After a few days they would be moved to a more secure location and escape would be more difficult.

The private continued, “They were too afraid of the beatings if they didn’t make it. They were wringing their hands,’What if we get caught?’ They wouldn’t even try.”

Gene finished his story, “I couldn’t believe those officers wouldn’t try to escape and the private did and made it out. He didn’t know what happened to the officers.”

That’s the end of Gene’s story. He is a man a few words. However, I am a woman of many words and as he was telling me this story fireworks are going off in my brain. The lesson and truth for confidently living your calling was profound.

Try. We must try. We must not be afraid of failure or the consequences. This private knew that his only chance was to try to escape. If he was caught, well, he knew the consequences. But if he stayed and played by the enemies’ rules, he most likely would never go back to “the world” (what they called any place outside of the war). If we don’t try we will stay a prisoner of whatever war we are engaged in, even if it’s only the war of mediocrisy.

What challenge, oppportunity, new venture is God holding out to you if you will task the risk and try? It doesn’t need to be a major thing. Even small steps can be scary. Most often the small steps lead to bigger opportunity. Take the next step to bolder parenting. Refuse to be captured by drama-drenched relationships.  Maybe you need to escape from your own prison–a prison of unforgiveness, or fear, or being the victim, or control freak.

Go for it, girl. Take the first step to whatever God is calling you to. Be like the crazy, rebel Marine private.  Try.