Yep, my baby girl is back! On Mother’s Day our oldest daughter, Katie–age 22, asked us if she could move back home. Of course we were thrilled. Last week she moved home. She had been on her own for four years. She had a good job and was going to college. Then the big recession hit and she is now one of the multitudes out of work. After weeks of living on unemployment, she decided her next best move was to come home. This was not an easy decision for Katie because her independence is a major priority for her.
While we enthusiastically welcomed Katie back, all of us, including Katie, knew this situation would need discussion, planning, and huge amounts of grace all around. While many things at home stayed the same after Katie left, some things did not. For instance, the day Katie left Kelsey moved into her room. (We knew Katie would not be coming back any time soon.) A few months later Kelsey redecorated with paint and a word mural. The room has been Kelsey’s for four years and Katie could not return to it.
We are going on week two and every day we learn what works and what doesn’t work. Here are a few things I have learned that might help you if you are welcoming an adult child back home.
~First, consider what is the goal of this time at home? Is the child home until he finishes his education, gets a job, pays off debt, etc.? What about you, Mom? What is your goal for this time? I want to give Katie a place of refreshment where she can relax and regroup. The past few months have been hard on her. I also want the family’s bonds to grow stronger. Katie’s goals are to save money, find a job, go to college full-time in the fall, and enjoy these few months as a total family unit since Kelsey will also be going away to college in the fall.
~Remember your “child” has grown into their own individual. Treat her as an adult friend. No nagging, prying, or disrespect allowed.
~Let the past stay there. Don’t bring up past behaviors, mistakes, etc. Use this as an opportunity to build a strong, lasting relationship. If your child tries to bring up the past, apologize if necessary then let the comment drop.
~Don’t make issues out of preferences. Everyone does life differently.
~Give your child privacy and space (as possible). Your child is used to his own personal world, even if he shared a dorm room or apartment, or home with his own family. Our home is a 3-bedroom ranch house. So we did not have a spare bedroom. However, our basement is finished, so we made Katie’s room in the second family room. She has her own full bathroom. This is her space and we give her time alone when she is in there.
~Discuss the financial aspect. What will the child pay for? Don’t be afraid to tell the child it is time to pay for the agreed upon expenses. Remember, you are in relationship with another adult. Act like it. We have found that a short written contract works well.
I realize every family’s situation is different. These ideas will help you confidently live your calling as a mom of a homeward bound adult child.
Have any of you suddenly found your child asking you, “Mom, Dad, can I move home?”
