Due to a glitch on my part Tuesday’s Bible Study notes are on Wednesday this week. Sorry for the delay!
Since the spring semester has more weeks than Princess Unaware has chapters, I am sprinkling a few different messages throughout the semester. Yesterday I presented material from my new book, “He’s Not a Mind Reader and Other Brilliant Insights for a Fabulous First Year of Marriage,” to be released in October, 2010. I believe the material in this book is beneficial to wives of all ages.
He’s the Man
Intro:
“Her man.” That is the way my grandma refers to someone’s husband.
Her man worked on the farm.
Her man had a heart attack.
Her man was from Kansas.
No matter what she said about “her man” or someone else’s man, she said it with a measure of respect. With that measure of respect came a certain way of treating her man, of talking to him, and the expectations she had of him. I find that measure of respect lacking in many marriages today—no matter the generation. I see women of all ages treating their men like little boys, incompetents, or girlfriends.
They are missing God’s plan for wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33) and the blessing and benefits that come with that. Most men, when treated with that measure of respect, will respond by becoming worthy of it and treating their wives like queens. The way we treat our men helps determine the kind of husband they become. If the wife belittles and nags her man she most likely will end up with a weak and possibly wandering husband. However, if she treats her man with the measure of respect that our grandmothers inherited from their mothers, most likely her man will adore her and treat her like a queen.
In our family we have a mantra we declare when Gene exemplifies the epitome of manliness—“You’re the man, Gene (Dad). You’re the big, hairy man!” This has nothing to do with his physical appearance. This mantra applauds him when he does the gutsy thing or the hard thing no one else will, when he stands up for truth, or when he fixes something or tries to fix something. It is our way of showing him respect and affirmation in fulfilling his role as provider, protector, and defender.
I. The Problem
A. The current culture and the women’s movement have done their best to feminize and emasculate men. (Don’t write to me about the women’s movement. I was alive when it started. I know its positives and negatives.) As a result men are confused about how to live out their masculinity and still not get smacked upside the head with a woman’s oversized handbag just for trying to open a door for her.
B. If that weren’t enough to confuse a man’s identity, many were raised by mothers who refused to let their sons grow up and have modeled disrespect for their own husbands. They’ve tried to “protect” their sons from any discipline from their dads. They have tried to coach their husbands on how to have a relationship with their sons because, well, of course the dad couldn’t figure out how to relate to his son without her help. Many of these moms have refused to acknowledge their sons as maturing young men or give them the respect due as men.
If you and your husband grew up with healthy role models, great! But if not, your man may not be accustomed to being shown respect. And if you were raised by a mother like the one I described, you may not know how to show respect to your man.
II. The Solution
Respect is an attitude that permeates every area of the marriage. It is seen in everything we do for our husbands and everything we say about them and to them. And when respect permeates our marriages, our husbands will flourish as the men God created them to be, and we, too will be blessed.
I was asked to do a devotion at my sister’s bridal shower. I poured through the Bible looking for good role models of wives (not moms). I could find none. Sure, some women were good in some areas, but I could find no wives that were shown to do well in all areas. The only role model I could find was the Proverbs 31. This is how hard it is to be an excellent wife.
Proverbs 31:10-31 talks about how a wife lives out respect and affirmation for her husband. “She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her” (verse 12, AMP). The wise wife is the go-to-girl for her man. He knows she is where he goes to be appreciated, encouraged, and understood. The wise wife protects her marriage by respecting her husband.
Let’s talk about a few ways to “only do good” to your man.
- Never belittle him (especially in public) or use his secrets against him. This means never sharing his secrets. Aubrey, (married 10 years), shared her wisdom with me. “It’s a loyalty thing. I am surprised how women ‘vent’ about their husbands to anyone and everyone. He may not even know it, and certainly doesn’t see or hear every instance where I abstain from joining in the husband bashing. Perhaps it doesn’t directly build up our relationship, but indirectly it does. It cultivates an attitude of loyalty and an attitude in me that says I’m on his side.”
- Get out of the way so he can take the lead. Most men won’t fight their women for the role of leader (they shouldn’t have to either). Express your opinion. Respectfully give your input. Ask questions. Then give him time to think things through and make a decision. The weight of their responsibility is heavy and they want to get it right.
- Seek his input on your decisions, even if they don’t involve him.
- Praise him for doing or attempting a home repair job. Gene is a dirt construction guy. He knows how many trucks of dirt will be needed to build a road. He knows what type and how many heavy equipment machines are needed to do the job and he can orchestrate all of them working in unison. But when we were married he was not as accomplished with basic power tools. He learned from experience as he worked on our first fixer-upper and from more experienced men.
- Praise him in front of your dad (or others) for his latest accomplishment whether it be home repair or at work. Lisa, a young bride, learned this lesson the hard way. “We were in a small group setting and I made a comment about my husband not being technologically savvy with some piece of equipment. It truly embarrassed him and he was mad at me. He is very sensitive about not being more experienced with certain technology, and it really hurt his feelings. After almost seventeen years of marriage, I am aware of his sensitive areas and am very careful with what I say. Joking, teasing, or even mentioning a husband’s weaknesses in front of others belittles them. Now I genuinely compliment him or affirm him in front of others when appropriate.”
- Tell him you believe in him, even when he’s had a terrible, awful, bad day.
- Acknowledge the little things he does. My wise, young friend Anne shared with me, “It took me a while to figure out that for me to just say, ‘Thank you for putting a new trash bag in the can’ went a really long way in him feeling loved and respected. I started our first year of marriage by disciplining myself every day to thank him for doing three things—even thanking him for ‘minor’ things like picking up milk, and paying the bills—things he is ‘supposed’ to do anyways. It made me aware of how well he serves me, and to be grateful for him, thereby increasing my respect for him! Now it’s just a regular part of our interaction.”
- Respect his role as the provider. Theresa’s husband is a restaurant owner so he works long hours which could easily be a source of irritation for her. She told me, “I don’t always have a great attitude about his job, but I try to keep my mouth shut until it passes. Instead of complaining about his job and how many hours he works, I need to come along side him, support his work, and be grateful that he is a passionate man who loves his family and his work. A few years ago when I decided to be more positive than negative about his work, I saw big changes in both of us.”
III. The Benefits
The benefits of a wife’s respect are also discussed briefly in Proverbs 31.
- Her husband trusts her (verse 11). Oh, the problems in marriages that could be fixed if only there were trust.
- Her husband prospers and is respected by others (verse 11, 23). A wife’s respect and admiration can bring out the best in her man. He carries himself a little taller. He strives to do his best for her and to please her.
- He also praises her (verses 28, 29). What woman couldn’t use a little praise and admiration!
The best thing you can do for your marriage is to respect, affirm, and appreciate your big, hairy man. Even if he’s not quite there yet, start building him up with respect. You will see him transform and you will be the one who benefits.
How do you show respect to your man? Is he your big, hairy man?
