Outside Your Mom Comfort Zone

I’m writing this at 11:00pm Sunday night. For those of you who don’t know me, you’re probably thinking What’s the big deal? But those of you who know me probably reread that sentence and figured I drank a Diet Coke too late in the evening. You know I’m not a night person, much less a late night person (yes, 11:00pm is late night!). My body and brain start a systematic shutdown around 8:00pm so by 10:00pm I am in a deep sleep which rejuvenates me for bright new morning about 5:30am. Yes, I am a morning person.
I’m up at 11:00 because I have a house full of college kids. They have been here since 7 and are just hanging out, finishing off two pans of brownies, chocolate chip cookies, lemon bars, chips and salsa, veggies, and anything else I might place on the kitchen table.
I’m not bragging or complaining. I am thrilled to my daughter has a great group of kids her age who care deeply about what God cares about. I am thrilled to host them in our home. It’s one thing I can do for my daughter and God that stretches me and takes me out of my comfort zone.
Smile: My daughter just passed through my office while I’m writing and patted me on the back, “Tomorrow will just be a resting day for us.” She knows this is way past my bedtime and that I need my sleep.
“It’s okay, hon. I’m okay,” I assure her I’ll survive.
I know moms give and give. The temptation is to give and give where we feel comfortable or competent. As our kids get older we will be called upon to give outside our box.
• Host and feed 50 twenty-something young adults.
• Coach the soccer team (you’ve never kicked a soccer ball in your life).
• Sew a costume for your child to wear for her oral book report.
• Join a group of moms who regularly pray for their kids.
• Drive your daughter two hours away to the town where she will be going to college and help her find an apartment where she will live and she doesn’t know a soul—yet.
• Be there. Be home and available when your kids are home—no cell phone, computer, or TV. Focus on the kids.
How have you been challenged to give for your kids that stretches you? Where have you needed to step out in faith and do something that was not you, but is your child?
How did you respond? Did you come up with an excuse—“Mommy doesn’t (sew, bake, ride a bike, fill in the blank).” Did you try to put your child off hoping he would forget, “When I get time I’ll (fill in the blank).” Or did you tell your child he couldn’t participate because you didn’t want to (chaperone, face your fears and release your child into God’s hands, change your plans to be available for your child, fill in the blank)?
Moms, you know I love you. This is a hard job. But to do it well and help our kids be all God intended them to be, we must stay engaged. Don’t miss the truth that not only is God working in our kids, He’s working on us through our kids. He wants us to know Him better and trust Him fully and often He uses our kids to accomplish that.
Well, I hear the crowd dying out now. I’m going to start cleaning up the kitchen. Yep, I’m way past tired, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

How Many Days till School Starts?

Have you privately started the countdown till the kids get back to school? Go ahead and admit it and don’t be ashamed. If you have school-age kids you’re probably started to feel like you’re in an emotional, social, and mental desert. All of your “normal” activities, even catching up with a friend on the phone, are on hiatus because the kids are home. During the school year you took these activities for granted, but now you realized they were your refreshment in the desert of the daily.
I remember those days so clearly. Check out chapter four in my book Queen Mom. That ugly story of me losing it with my girls took place in the desert of summer. As the Queen Mom you also know that this summer will be over in a heartbeat and your kids will enter the next grade, be one year older and you will be one year closer to your empty nest. You want to make the most of this summer. How do you do that in the desert?
• Get away from your kids. I’m serious. Even if it’s for an hour or so. You will come back refreshed. Many high school and college kids would love to earn a little spending money while playing with your kids (having tired kids when you come home is a bonus). If you can’t afford to hire a sitter, trade with another mom. The other mom will benefit as well because her kids will be entertained.
• Don’t plan big projects for the summer months. Planning to paint all the windows and the family room and retile the bathroom with kids home is a plan for disaster. The kids will be back in school soon enough. If you must get a project done during the summer, set aside a block of time, arrange for childcare or do it doing VBS or camp, then work like mad to get it done.
• Let your kids be kids. You are not their entertainment director. Let them have time to dig in the dirt, make a tent with a sheet over the picnic table, or sell lemonade (all under your distant, yet watchful eye). Part of their discovery of who God made them to be comes with time to imagine and think and then act on those thoughts.
• Be part of their world. I know I said to step back from your kids a bit, but when you step into their world you will be refreshed and encouraged as you see what your child sees and understand a bit more how and what he thinks. From the last point, what interests your child? Help her explore it and try it on for size. You won’t know who God made your kid to be until you enter her world.

I am in the opposite season now. I am soaking in every moment I can get with my girls (2 in college and the youngest a junior in high school). I will guarantee when you get to my season of life you will never regret time spent with your kids in the desert called summer.

Life is crazy isn’t it? We stay busy and sometimes the busy keeps us from what we want to do, but truly don’t have time to do. I have been dying to communicate with you more often through this blog and my e-newlsetter. However the busyness of my life has not permitted that. Since you I consider you friends and cohorts on this journey with the Lord, I want to share the news of what I have been up to these past few months.

~Tomorrow I leave for San Diego for the Children’s Pastors Conference. I will be in my publisher’s booth (Standard) Sunday and Monday. Monday morning I will share a Double-Dipping workshop with my dear friends Kim Goad and Claudia Mitchell. They will be sharing from their book “One Girl Can Change the World.” I will be discussing how to deal with opposition (Princess Unaware). If you or someone you know will be at CPC or live near San Diego, I would love to meet you either at the workshop or in the booth.

~The young moms at Grace Presbyterian Church and I have had a great time going through Princess Unaware every Tuesday morning. My speaking notes are on the blog.

~I have enjoyed speaking on new material these winter months. You can check out “He’s the Man,” “When Kids Make Decisions You Don’t Agree With,” and “Three Keys to Drama-Free Healthy Relationships” on the website (speaking page).

~We all get requests for our recipes for our specialities. I finally typed mine and put them on the website. You may sample what the Garrison’s and their friends eat when we’re together by checking out the resource page and downloading a few recipes.

~I finished my next book, “He’s Not a Mind Reader and Other Brilliant Insights for a Fabulous First Year of Marriage.” It will be released in October, 2010. Below is a brief summary and the cover.

He’s Not a Mind Reader and Other Brilliant Insights for a Fabulous First Year of Marriage
(Standard Publishing; October, 2010)
Men don’t come with a handbook—and if they did, they wouldn’t want you to read it anyway! But consider this a clever woman’s handbook for sticky issues that can disrupt the first year of marriage (or any of them, really).
This practical newlywed guide gives you a look at ten tough and touchy topics through the experienced eyes of someone who’s been there and lived to write about it. Subjects include:
• He’s Not Your Dad, You’re Not His Mom
• It’s Your Body, but He Gets to Look at It
• Crockpot, Meet Microwave
• Talking Dollars and Sense
Each chapter links relevant insights with key Bible messages that God wants every girl to hear. And all ten end with “The Smart Girl’s Guide to Being Fabulous”—priceless takeaways you can use now.

~We can’t forget my fabulous family. They are my top priority (after the Lord).

Finally, I know I owe you a newsletter (actually several) with helpful articles and my latest news. My newsletter is going to the top of my to-do list when I get back from CPC.

So what have you been up to? Have you been just keeping your head above water or have you taken time to pursue the passion God put in your heart? I would love to hear about how you handle your busyness.

All my life I have been surrounded by and in relationships that dripped with drama—some more than others. I had a nagging intuition that this wasn’t right—that is wasn’t the way relationships were to work. But no one else seemed to think anything was wrong, so I kept my mouth shut. Not to say I have not opened it when I shouldn’t have and suffered the consequences.

Think of your own relationships and how messy they can be. Hurt feelings and insecurities to be nurtured, misunderstandings, and all of these fueled by gossip and pride. Often I hear women say they were better friends with guys than girls because guys were easier. Women, what are we doing to each other?

Much of the drama is caused by sin and self. We want what we want. We are insecure so we act ugly to make ourselves feel better or we judge someone else to make ourselves feel better. We worry about what others will say if we befriend a dear sister who is not on their “in list.” Haven’t we all been on both sides of that?

Some of the problem is fueled by what we have been falsely taught or what we have falsely understood is the way Christian women are to behave. Good Christian women don’t confront, and don’t set healthy boundaries. Good Christian women let others dump on them indefinitely. Good Christian women assume all responsibility for anyone’s hurt feelings and the condition of the relationship. Good Christian women are available to everyone at all times. They never say no. (Sidebar—when we say yes to someone we should say no to, we are saying no to someone we should say yes to.)

Today I want to discuss three keys to healthy relationships—three keys to doing relationship the way Jesus did. Get ready to have your “Good Christian Woman” role model smashed—not the biblical model, but the common wisdom model. These three keys must be handled with humility and love or we assume an attitude of supremacy (critical spirit) and harshness.

 1. Speak the Truth in Love.

This command came from Ephesians 4. Here Paul has finished a brief teaching on the purpose of spiritual gifts—to equip the saints for service, and to build up the body of Christ (v. 12), so that we may have unity of faith, knowledge of Jesus and mature into the image of Christ (v. 13). “As a result we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves, and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming. . .” (v. 14). Think about it. We are to know what we believe, what the Bible says, and not to be easily influenced. What are not to be influenced by people who are frauds or try to use “deceitful scheming” against us. When I hear this I think of little old women getting their life savings taken by a con man. But what are we in danger of being deceitfully schemed? Anything that is from the world and tries to mix in with our Christian faith. Below are a few deceptions from the enemy that Christians fall for as readily as the world does.

• Divorce is okay. We can’t get along. We don’t love each other.
• Abortion. What will other Christians think if they know my daughter is pregnant? She must have an abortion.
• Pornography and all things sexual, either public or private. It’s only me. No one else knows or is getting hurt. Checking out the bum of the cute waiter counts. The girls in my daughter’s Christian college have pictures of half naked young men papering the walls of their dorm rooms. If they guys did this, well, they couldn’t in a Christian college.
• Checking out as parents when our kids hit the teen years. I’ve done all I can. They won’t listen to me any longer.

Before we go on, I must say I am not condemning anyone. We need to love and support each other. Each of us needs grace and the church needs to extend grace. What I am saying is that with all humility, remembering our own miserable condition, we are to speak the truth in love. Encourage our dear sisters with the truth in their time of trials. No one gets better from having the wound massaged. A wound needs medicine and healing. That comes with truth. That’s why first we must discern “What is truth?”

I must warn you, though, most women will not receive this truth well. Even if they ask for the truth, they probably don’t want to hear it. Graciously and lovingly speak the truth as you would want it spoken to you. Then shut up. Stop talking and give the person room to process. She may not respond at all, but that’s ok. Don’t start talking again. Don’t try to sugar-coat your words or re-explain or apologize. If the conversation is over then assure her of your love and support and you’re done.

I started with the big issues, but there are lesser issues we need to speak the truth in love to keep our relationships healthy. When a friend calls and says it this a good time to talk and you have a baby on your hip, a toddler attached to your leg, and your hubby calling on your cell phone, nicely tell her No, this is not a good time. Can I call you when things settle down (in about 15 years!).  

Last week a young mom of a second grader called me for advice. Her daughter’s friend had told her an as-truth story that included some disturbing information. The daughter was scheduled to play at the friend’s house on Saturday. I advised the young mom to call the other mom and matter-of-factly say, “Tiffany shared with me a story Angela told the kids at school today and I thought you might like to know what she said.” Then after she repeated the story she was to stop talking. The mom graciously and lovingly spoke the truth in love. That’s all she needed to do. Which leads us to the next key to healthy relationships . . .

2. You are not responsible for how the other person processes or reacts.

Again back to key #1. All of our interaction is to be done with grace and love. The couple of times I have shared the truth in love and did not receive a good reaction it really bothered me. I had done nothing wrong and still they were upset, even angry with me. This is the key to not getting drug into the other person’s reaction. Answer the question, “Have I done anything wrong?”

Let’s take a quick look at how Jesus handled this type of situation. Matthew 15:1-14. The Pharisees are hot on Jesus’ heels to catch Him in a slip up. They confront Jesus of His disciples not washing their hands like they do. Jesus speaks the truth in love to them. He ends His teaching by calling the crowd to Himself and saying this to the them—read v. 10-11. Ouch! Pharisees shot down! Then read v. 12. The disciples were concerned the Pharisees would get mad and then there would be consequences. Ahh, I love Jesus’ response—v. 13-14. He does not care. He speaks more truth and lets it lay where it lands. Jesus is not affected by the Pharisees’ reaction or their bruised egos.

No, we don’t want to be mean, but if we speak the truth in love we have not done anything wrong and the hurt feelings are truly the issue of the other person. I have been admonished by dear sisters who truly care for me. Proverbs 27:6, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Those wounds did not hurt. I knew they were for my best. I listened and heeded their words.

3. It’s not all about me.

We just can’t take personally how others behave or respond to us. More times than not a person’s poor behavior is sparked by their own issues. A wise woman once told me, “If in this situation you were truly the only one at fault, then the other person would have responded graciously.” See when another person responds poorly to us it is evidence of what is in them, not a reaction to anything we have done. Matthew 12:34, “You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.”—Jesus to the Pharisees.

So don’t take anything the other person says or does personally. Don’t be offended, thereby, making your own set of issues from which you will need to repent. Let it slide off.

Handle this situation with humility and love. Humility remembers that she was once where this person is and that for everyone growth is a process.

Love wants what is best for the other person. Taking offense and getting mad will not help anyone.

Love and humility will enable us to wisely and confidently use the three keys to do our part to unlock healthy relationships. 

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Aha! I have the rest of the story for a blog I did a few days ago—”The Days of Seeming Futility.” This morning God made it all very clear to me. I have been operating under a fallacy. I thought that if I started my side of the equation He would put the answer on the other side of the equal sign–My efforts + obedience = Success. 

But I have been totally misunderstanding God. The tension I experienced was in trying to do what God showed me to do and then measuring my obedience by the results I saw. However, Icannot plug God into an equation. Confidently living my calling (as mom, wife, friend, author, etc.) is not about measuring, calculating, or figuring to get a desired result. Living my calling is about daily doing what God gives me to do with excellence and then leaving the results to God. At the end of the day I want to be able to rest in this statement, “I walked with God and obeyed Him today.”

God gives us this as our goal in Ecclesiastes 12:12-13, “But regarding anything beyond this, dear friend, go easy. There’s no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you’re no good for anything else. The last and final word is this: Fear God. Do what he tells you” (The Message)   In verse 13 the NIV states, “this is the whole duty of man.” That’s it. Simple. Sometimes not so easy.

Doesn’t this word from God make life so much simpler? “Fear God”–revere Him, honor Him with your life. “Do what He tells you”–be in relationship with Him, obey His commands and the instructions He gives us.  This is all He asks of us. Only God knows what will happen next. “So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?” (Ecclesiates 3:22, NIV).

So today I am not stressing if I am doing a good enough job as mom or writer. I am not stressing over getting ready for my friends coming here for Bible study tomorrow (even as I scrubbed the dog’s pee stain from the ivory dining room carpet). I am enjoying my work and my day. I am not listening to the call of anxiety, “You have so much to do in the next few days!” Nor do I hear the moan of,  ”What if all you do is not good enough and you fail?” In His Word God has told me none of this is my business. It’s His.

This is how I am confidently living my calling.

Have you believed you needed to produce a certain result in order to be considered faithful or obedient to God? Have you tried to work out the equation so you would get

~godly kids?

~a higher income?

~acceptance/love from others?

~response/results from your ministry?

What has God showed you about the fallacy trying to fit Him into your equation? I would love to hear about it.

Kerry and I are very sad. Summer is rapidly ending and the beginning of  the school year is only a few days away. Its arms are open wide and a slight smirk is on its face. It knows once it wraps its arms around Kerry that it has her for another year. We have done our best to ignore its approach-not going near the school supplies area in Wal-Mart and Target, not talking about going back-to-school or back-to-school clothes or any phrases that used the words “back-to-school.”

However, Tuesday it was impossible to ignore the imminent. It was registration day at the high school. We put on our happy faces and got in the first of several lines we would stand in to officially register Kerry for her sophomore year. A mom of one of Kerry’s friends was helping with registration.

“I heard you have another book coming out.” Her smile beamed congratulations.

“Yes, I do.” I returned her generous smile.

“I don’t know how you pump them out like that. I like to write, but I never quite get it done.”

“Deadlines are great inspiration.” I tried to let her know I felt her frustration.

Accomplishing the important things in life is difficult. In today’s culture women are fortunate to have unlimited choices of important things-careers, volunteer opportunities, and ministry opportunities. Twenty-first century health care and adoption options help us have families when we might not otherwise been able to. Technology enables us to keep up with our friends even if they move around the world. However, we cannot do it all, so we need to know what are our important things.

I know very little about the mom I spoke with at the high school. She may be exactly where God wants her to make a difference. However, if God has called to her something else and she doesn’t have time for it, she may be too busy with good things or with things she just couldn’t say no to. She might find the *Principle of Blinders helpful. It has been vital in helping me accomplish the important things in my life.

Jesus lived and taught the Principle of Blinders. He lived a focused life doing exactly what His Father gave Him to do (John 12:49). The Principle of Blinders

• Helps us stay focused on what God calls us to.
• Keeps us from looking at other opportunities or what others are doing. Jesus challenged Peter to keep his blinders on and keep the focus on following Himself (John 21:21-22).
• Helps us know what the important things are when they come into our lives because we are focused on God and not a million distractions.

If Jesus lived the Principle of Blinders, why do we think we can do it all and have it all at once?

Has God shown you what the important things are in your life? Have you acknowledged what He has shown you? Does your life exemplify it?

If you haven’t determined what God’s important things are for you, take time with Him and ask Him. He will show you.

The Principle of Blinders is crucial to finding your fabulous life.

*The Principle of Blinders is discussed in Princess Unaware.

As Kerry was preparing for her week-long mission trip, Gene and I were giving her advice for what-to-d0-if situations. She was loving it. Well, maybe not loving it, but she listened respectfully. One thing I told her, “Listen to your gut. It’s the Holy Spirit. You may be the only one He is speaking this to.”

She gave an I-heard-you nod.

Not good enough for me. “Kiddo, I’m serious. Your gut is the Holy Spirit talking to you. Lots of times in the Bible only one person heard what God was telling him to do. Look at Abraham, Moses, and Mary.”

“Okay, Mom, got it.” This time she let me know she really did get it.

What about us? Do we “get it” when God gives us a word on the direction He wants us to take? Do we shrug it off or think I’ll wait till God tells me one more time to be sure.

Abraham heard God when He called him out of Ur (Acts 7:2-3). Abraham obeyed part way. He went as far as Haran then after his father died he went on to Canann.

Moses clearly heard God’s call, but didn’t want to obey. He was fearful. He didn’t feel qualified. Even after God guaranteed His presence and His power, Moses did not trust God enough to obey. Finally, Moses resisted so much that God became angry with Moses and then gave him Aaron to do the talking for him (Exodus 3-4).

However, Mary, the mother of Jesus,  responded differently from these two men. When Gabriel appeared to her and gave her the good news, she had only one question, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” She just wanted to make sure she understood what the angel was saying. Gabriel answered her and she immediately responded, “Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; be it done to me according to your word” (Luke 1:26-38).

Each of these three people heard God’s word to them. They each obeyed, but only one accepted God’s word and obeyed immediately fully–Mary.

Last week a woman shared with me her frustration of not knowing what direction God was taking her. She said God had been stirring her for two years and still no answer. Then she unknowlingly answered her own question. She said, “I guess I’ll have to go alone and do what He has been showing me to do. I’ve been waiting for someone to join me, but no one has.”

What has God spoken to you to do?

~Go back to school?

~Go back to work?

~Leave the marketplace and be a stay-at-home mom?

~Start a relationship with a cranky neighbor?

~Get out of a harmful relationship or situation?

~Readjust your priorities to be in line with God’s will and not your your friends’ or co-workers’?

What is God speaking to you about? Will you listen to the Holy Spirit? Will you take the first step with Him alone? I’d love to hear from you.