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About Brenda

August 12, 2010

What I Did This Summer

Filed under: Fun,New opportunites,Others' expectations,Walking with God,Writing/authors,adult children moving home,celebrate life,confident living,life changes,moms,parenting,priorities,saying no,young adult children — Brenda @ 12:08 am

Several weeks ago I posted a comment on facebook stating that something in my life had to go. I was splintered and frustrated and felt like I wasn’t doing anything well. This blog is my answer to that and, maybe if you feel that way, a next step for you.
A little backstory—My summer has been crazy. (Let’s do bullet points to save time.)
• Two young adult daughters—One moved back home for before heading off to college. The contents of her house are now in our house. The relationship can be challenging. The other daughter will also leave for college in about ten days. She, too, can be challenging.
• Sixteen year-old daughter—She’s not challenging, but I have tried to be available to spend time with her as much as possible this year. We have been training for her tennis tryouts this week. Translated—I have been playing tennis like a mad woman—something I haven’t done in about 30 years.
• Being there—I have tried to be available to all the girls this summer which meant helping them, hanging out with them, and sometimes just waiting for them. I didn’t want to miss one minute of our summer.
• Having friends over—We have hosted friends (ours and theirs) several times this summer.
• Ministry events—These required prep and travel time.
• Writing—I’m trying to start another book with a deadline running headlong at me.
I’m sure your summer has been just as full and crazy. Summer is a time to enjoy so many fun opportunities and catch up on relationships and all this needs to fit into an already full calendar.
As you may have noticed, I have not blogged for a while. It has been a monkey on my back. I love writing to you, but honestly it did not make my top five priorities and thus did not make the cut for how I spent my summer. Marketing experts insist authors need to meet the needs of their readers. But really, this summer was not about my readers—at least not on my blog. As I said I have been speaking and working on my next book. That was for my readers. Not blogging totally went against common wisdom, but it had to go so I tend to the important stuff this summer.
So what is in your crazy life now that the popular culture is telling you must stay, but you know it has to go—at least for now. I always challenge women to figure out their priorities then compare their schedule to their priorities. I challenge you to do the same. Does your schedule testify to what you say are your priorities? If not, get with the Lord and see what needs to go.
All too soon the girls will be away and at school. Friends will be back home. The house will be silent and I will have all day to write. The crazy summer will be over, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

July 12, 2010

It’s Monday Again, Mom. Confidence to Live Your Calling as a Mom.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Brenda @ 3:10 pm

Outside Your Mom Comfort Zone

I’m writing this at 11:00pm Sunday night. For those of you who don’t know me, you’re probably thinking What’s the big deal? But those of you who know me probably reread that sentence and figured I drank a Diet Coke too late in the evening. You know I’m not a night person, much less a late night person (yes, 11:00pm is late night!). My body and brain start a systematic shutdown around 8:00pm so by 10:00pm I am in a deep sleep which rejuvenates me for bright new morning about 5:30am. Yes, I am a morning person.
I’m up at 11:00 because I have a house full of college kids. They have been here since 7 and are just hanging out, finishing off two pans of brownies, chocolate chip cookies, lemon bars, chips and salsa, veggies, and anything else I might place on the kitchen table.
I’m not bragging or complaining. I am thrilled to my daughter has a great group of kids her age who care deeply about what God cares about. I am thrilled to host them in our home. It’s one thing I can do for my daughter and God that stretches me and takes me out of my comfort zone.
Smile: My daughter just passed through my office while I’m writing and patted me on the back, “Tomorrow will just be a resting day for us.” She knows this is way past my bedtime and that I need my sleep.
“It’s okay, hon. I’m okay,” I assure her I’ll survive.
I know moms give and give. The temptation is to give and give where we feel comfortable or competent. As our kids get older we will be called upon to give outside our box.
• Host and feed 50 twenty-something young adults.
• Coach the soccer team (you’ve never kicked a soccer ball in your life).
• Sew a costume for your child to wear for her oral book report.
• Join a group of moms who regularly pray for their kids.
• Drive your daughter two hours away to the town where she will be going to college and help her find an apartment where she will live and she doesn’t know a soul—yet.
• Be there. Be home and available when your kids are home—no cell phone, computer, or TV. Focus on the kids.
How have you been challenged to give for your kids that stretches you? Where have you needed to step out in faith and do something that was not you, but is your child?
How did you respond? Did you come up with an excuse—“Mommy doesn’t (sew, bake, ride a bike, fill in the blank).” Did you try to put your child off hoping he would forget, “When I get time I’ll (fill in the blank).” Or did you tell your child he couldn’t participate because you didn’t want to (chaperone, face your fears and release your child into God’s hands, change your plans to be available for your child, fill in the blank)?
Moms, you know I love you. This is a hard job. But to do it well and help our kids be all God intended them to be, we must stay engaged. Don’t miss the truth that not only is God working in our kids, He’s working on us through our kids. He wants us to know Him better and trust Him fully and often He uses our kids to accomplish that.
Well, I hear the crowd dying out now. I’m going to start cleaning up the kitchen. Yep, I’m way past tired, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

July 8, 2010

He’s Your Man! Confidence to Live Your Calling as His Wife

Filed under: Christian living,Marriage,Wives,confident living — Brenda @ 5:10 pm

Wise or Foolish Wife?

I know, I know. This blog was due yesterday. So sorry. Summer is crazy. Yesterday was take-daughter-number-3-to-the-doctor-for-a-maybe-broken-finger-on-the-4th-of-July day. No broken bones just a torn ligament.
A couple of days ago I was considering what I should write about on marriage this week. An idea came to mind—but no, too personal. Then another idea came—again, no TMI (too much information). But then it occurred to me—that is the idea.
Our marriages are sacred to God and we are to keep them sacred. Hebrews 13:4 tells us to keep the “marriage bed. . . undefiled.” I believe that is true for all areas of our marriages. As wives we need to protect the holiness of our marriages by not sharing private information about our husbands. We are to hold tight their dreams, guard their insecurities, and be their number one girl.
Last week in an interview for “He’s Not a Mind Reader” the radio host asked me if I had Gene’s permission to share the stories I shared in the book. I said of course. I told him I was real, but now raw. No, our husbands aren’t perfect, but it’s not our job to advertise that. We are to be their helpers, their encouragers, to build them up and not tear them down. “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1, NASB).
Are you building up your marriage and your man or are you tearing it down by sharing too much information with too many? We all need a close friend to vent with, but that’s it.
Bottomline: Take a minute with the Lord and let Him show you where you need to make changes. Then take it a day at a time, guarding your words and your husband.
Disclaimer: If you’re in a difficult marriage, seek wise, godly counsel. If you are enduring any kind of abuse, get professional help—pastor, counselor, law enforcement. Abuse is never a secret to be guarded. If the first person won’t help, go to the next until you get protection.

July 5, 2010

It’s Monday, again, Mom: Confidence to Live Your Calling as a Mom

Filed under: Uncategorized — Brenda @ 3:26 pm

How Many Days till School Starts?

Have you privately started the countdown till the kids get back to school? Go ahead and admit it and don’t be ashamed. If you have school-age kids you’re probably started to feel like you’re in an emotional, social, and mental desert. All of your “normal” activities, even catching up with a friend on the phone, are on hiatus because the kids are home. During the school year you took these activities for granted, but now you realized they were your refreshment in the desert of the daily.
I remember those days so clearly. Check out chapter four in my book Queen Mom. That ugly story of me losing it with my girls took place in the desert of summer. As the Queen Mom you also know that this summer will be over in a heartbeat and your kids will enter the next grade, be one year older and you will be one year closer to your empty nest. You want to make the most of this summer. How do you do that in the desert?
• Get away from your kids. I’m serious. Even if it’s for an hour or so. You will come back refreshed. Many high school and college kids would love to earn a little spending money while playing with your kids (having tired kids when you come home is a bonus). If you can’t afford to hire a sitter, trade with another mom. The other mom will benefit as well because her kids will be entertained.
• Don’t plan big projects for the summer months. Planning to paint all the windows and the family room and retile the bathroom with kids home is a plan for disaster. The kids will be back in school soon enough. If you must get a project done during the summer, set aside a block of time, arrange for childcare or do it doing VBS or camp, then work like mad to get it done.
• Let your kids be kids. You are not their entertainment director. Let them have time to dig in the dirt, make a tent with a sheet over the picnic table, or sell lemonade (all under your distant, yet watchful eye). Part of their discovery of who God made them to be comes with time to imagine and think and then act on those thoughts.
• Be part of their world. I know I said to step back from your kids a bit, but when you step into their world you will be refreshed and encouraged as you see what your child sees and understand a bit more how and what he thinks. From the last point, what interests your child? Help her explore it and try it on for size. You won’t know who God made your kid to be until you enter her world.

I am in the opposite season now. I am soaking in every moment I can get with my girls (2 in college and the youngest a junior in high school). I will guarantee when you get to my season of life you will never regret time spent with your kids in the desert called summer.

June 18, 2010

Live as God’s Girl: Confidence to Live Whatever God Calls You To.

Filed under: Confidence,Encouragement,Life as God's Girl,New opportunites,Others' expectations,confident living,next step in life,priorities — Brenda @ 1:16 pm

Do You Discriminate?

The church lobby was packed with parents and their teens checking in for camp. It’s a great time to catch up with folks I normally don’t run into.

Such was the case when I spotted precious Jill. She’s one of those women I wish I had opportunity to talk with more often. She excitedly told me about the new conference she was organizing and asked if I would like to help in any way. My face must have revealed more than my mumble.

“Oh, I know you’re terribly busy,” Jill quickly replied.

“I’m so sorry, Jill. I hate that I give that impression. I certainly don’t want to,” I pleaded.

“No, it’s not that. You are life-busy as we all are. One thing I really appreciate about you is that you are discriminating with your time.”

I embraced her. “Thank you so much for understanding me!” What a gift to be understood and not judged.

Jill went on, “I appreciate that fact that you chose wisely what you are going to invest your time in.”

She earned another hug. “Thank you so much.”

When I got home I emailed to follow up regarding how she wanted me to help on the conference. Then I prayerfully considered the opportunity and checked my calendar.

When we are living out our priorities we may appear busy to others. But in today’s culture almost everyone is busy. I think what others see in us is purposefulness and intentionality. It gives them pause before they include us. That’s ok. It means we are living what we say we value.

But we also want to be a part of the community around us, so we will need to reach out to others. Invite friends to lunch or over for dinner. Volunteer in way that in line with your priorities and doesn’t take a lot of time. Make having fun a priority as well.

I talked with Jill and yes, there is a way for me to help that works with my schedule and my priorities!

How have you learned to discriminate with your time?

June 16, 2010

He's Your Man!: Confidence to Live Your Calling as His Wife

Filed under: Interruptions,Respect for husbands,Wives,celebrate life,confident living,priorities — Brenda @ 6:54 pm

Your Man, Your Priority

“Hey, hon, you want to meet for coffee?” My husband eagerly anticipated an impromptu date. The pouring rain had put his construction site on hold.

“Umm, sure, we can do coffee.” I tried to sound enthusiastic, but my to-do list was haunting me. I was on my way to drop Kerry off for camp, pick up my printing, then head home for a long list of chores which included getting ready for vacation in six days.

After I dropped off Kerry my husband called back. “Hey, can you come early for coffee?” The rain had stopped and he was ready to get as much done as he could before the rain returned. I let him know I understood and we could skip our coffee date. I was relieved but felt a pang of guilt.

I had established my to-do list as priority over my husband. There was nothing on my list that could not wait while I had coffee with my husband. What about the “living in the moment” epiphany I had that morning about my daughter? Shouldn’t that apply to my husband? I hate to admit it, but I assume we will always have plenty of time together. Right? No. Life is terribly unpredictable as two of my widowed-too-young friends will tell you. One lost her husband to cancer, the other to a car accident. Both men were in their 40’s.

The thing is I say Gene is my priority, but the reality is he is my priority during the hours I have allotted for him. I selfishly claim the time he is at work as my time to do my stuff. Gene never tries to interrupt my plans and is always respectful of my schedule. He just wanted a fun, spontaneous coffee date with his wife and she couldn’t see past her to-do list to what really mattered—her man.

Today was my chance to practice what I preach. While in town this morning running errands, I called Gene to see if he could do an impromptu lunch date. His work had taken him to a nearby town for the day. One these days we’ll get the timing right, because we’ve made each other our priority.

June 14, 2010

It’s Monday, again, Mom.

Filed under: Fun,Kids,Overwhelmed women,Teens,confident living,moms,priorities — Brenda @ 4:10 pm

“I Won’t Let Go of You Ever.”

Disclaimer: This blog may cause a tear or two. It starts a bit sentimentally, but hang in there with me.

“ ‘I won’t let go of you ever.’ I used to say that to you, Mom, and then you would tickle me to make me let go.” My sixteen year-old daughter casually shared that memory with me on the eve of her going to summer camp. Ugh. I felt the stab of regret. Oh, how I wish I could go back to those days and take it back and let her hang on forever.
The memory is fresh, but buried under piles of today’s issues—things to do, plans to make, worries to stew over. How did I get so far removed from those precious moments? My baby grew up. She turned into a teenager. And though she is a fabulous young woman, she is still a teenager. That means she is no longer my baby. She is separating from me and growing into her own person. Those heart-to-heart moments are fewer.
Grab your tissue and dab, dab. No more sentimentality.
What do I do with the regret, with the tinge of sadness of her childhood gone forever? I yank myself into the present. This morning I took her to the church to go to camp. We had a few extra minutes to so we went to Starbucks.
“Do you want to sit here for a few minutes or head to the church?” I maturely gave her the choice.
“Let’s stay here.” She smiled up at me as she took the first sip of her vanilla frappacino.
My heart smiled and I’m sure my face showed it. We sat at a little table by the window and talked and laughed about nothing. She shared a bit of her whipped cream with me and for ten minutes I was in Mommy Bliss. I refused to think about anything other than her. I did what is normally hard for me—I lived in the moment. No mulling over everything I had to do today. Just me and my girl. Ahh. It was sweet.
Mom, I know you’ve heard this 1,000 times, but it’s true, your kids won’t always be this age. This summer live in as many of their moments as you can. You will forever be thankful you didn’t let go before it was time.

June 11, 2010

Live As God’s Girl: Confidence to Live Whatever God Calls You to

Filed under: Christian living,Confidence,Faith,Life as God's Girl,Prayer,Relationship with God,Walking with God,confident living — Brenda @ 1:22 pm

The Lie Between Me and God

I confess to you that lately my prayer life has been like the weak tea we drink with the flu instead of the strong, rich coffee I drink while spending the early morning dawn with the Lord. Yep, I’ve faithfully met with God morning after morning and recited my list of requests, but the passion and vigor are gone.
I’ve known for awhile my prayer life needed a jolt, but it’s hard to diagnose and treat oneself. Then a few days ago God reached down and handed me the antidote I desperately needed. On His prescription pad was written, “Satan’s greatest victory is when he convinces Christians their prayers are powerless.” I hadn’t totally bought into that lie, but it heavily tainted my prayers. Hey, I haven’t seen lots of answered prayer lately, so God’s gonna do what God’s gonna do. What’s the use? Right? Just look at the requests that have been on my list for years.
Closer examination of my sick prayer life revealed that I truthfully couldn’t even say I haven’t had answered prayer. My focus has been on me getting what I want. I haven’t looked past my selfishness to see what God has been up to in my life and on my behalf.
No wonder my prayer life is like weak tea (which I cannot stand even when I’m sick). I have not infused it with the strong, rich faith it needs to please God and invite Him to work in my life. “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6, NASB).
For me realizing the truth is half my battle to obedience. Wow. So that’s what Satan was up to. No more weak tea for me. Now with each sip of my rich morning coffee I speak from my heart to God’s heart on specific items on my prayer list. Instead of harboring my disappointments, I share them with Him and let Him deal with them. No more reciting requests. God and I are having a conversation about a few things every morning. I do more listening and lots of thanking Him for caring and reaching down to work in my life.
Is your prayer life like weak tea or strong, rich coffee? Will you take time to have a conversation with God about something on your heart? I’d love to hear about it.

June 9, 2010

He’s Your Man! ~~ Confidence to Live Your Calling as His Wife

Filed under: Marriage,Overwhelmed women,Respect for husbands,Wives,confident living,next step in life — Brenda @ 2:36 pm

This is the beginning of a new series of blogs. Mondays are for moms–”It’s Monday again, Mom: Confidence to Live Your Calling as a Mom.”
Wednesday is about marriage–”He’s Your Man!: Confidence to Live Your Calling as His Wife.”
Friday is for all us girls–”Live as God’s Girl: Confidence to Live Whatever God Calls You To.”
My goal is to come along side you as a friend with encouragement and practical help for where you are in life.
I look forward to getting to know you better.

I’m A Big Girl

This morning I received an email regarding a ministry event that needed my decision promptly. My mind was blank. I couldn’t decide the best way to reply. I’ll think it over for awhile and see what comes to me. (Call Gene, whispered my little voice. I ignored it.)
I did breakfast dishes and returned other emails. Thirty minutes later nothing was coming. (Ask Gene. My little voice was back. I ignored it.)
I’ll let it simmer a while longer. I did my workout. Still nothing. (Call Gene. He will know how to respond.) My little voice—the Holy Spirit—would not be ignored this time.
I gave up ignoring my not-so-little voice and immediately called his number.
“Hey, hon, I got this email. What do you think I should do?” That didn’t even hurt.
“Well, what are you thinking?”
“I was thinking. . .”
“That’s what I was going to say, too.”
Peace. I was calmed by overall peace where only a few minutes before I was in confusion.
Sometimes I act like such a little child, thinking I have to do everything on my own. Sure, I ask Gene to help with the “man stuff”—hang a picture, take the dog out at night, take down the light fixture so I can wash it. But the stuff that’s my size, I try to do all by myself, because I’m a big girl and I can handle it. Right? Well, yes, I suppose I can, but do I have to handle everything I can by myself?
Of course not. When we married, God made Gene and I one. We are here for each other. I help him and he helps me. He would do it more often if I would just swallow my pride, listen to my little voice, and ask. Guys have perspective that we don’t. Ask for his thoughts on a dealing with a difficult friend, how to handle a situation at work, or if you should say yes to the latest desperate request for your help.
Even big girls ask for help.
What do you need to ask your man to help you with or give his opinion regarding?

June 1, 2010

I Did Not Sign Up For This

Filed under: Disappointment,Encouragement,Failure,Hard Times,Index cards,Interruptions,Overwhelmed women,celebrate life,discouragement,priorities — Brenda @ 4:13 pm

I started the morning doing something not on my index card list—cleaning up the dog’s mess. I’ll let your imagination or perhaps your personal experiences fill in the details for you. While doing this with the best of attitudes, I declared loudly for anyone (really everyone) who was in earshot, “There must be a special reward in heaven for moms who clean up pet messes (again fill in your own details).” Seriously, I did not sign up for this.
As I was scrubbing brown from Kerry’s light blue carpet the thought occurred to me, Moms days are filled with things not on their index card. It’s their job description. Of course, the same can be said for every woman. For the most part, we are the core of our families and the nurturers (even at work). We make it happen for those who rely on us.
So how do we marry the urgent, which many times is important, with the list on our index cards?
• Know Your Priorities. I know I have said this a million times, but it is core to fulfilling the life God has for you. How else did Jesus know to stop for the woman who had been bleeding for twelve years, yet not stop for others who were also in great need? (Luke 8:43-48) Jesus knew and lived His priorities.
• Sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. I know this can sound a little vague, but when we lay down our agendas, fears, prejudices, all the things we have told God we will never do, and sinful habits we can more clearly hear the guiding of the Holy Spirit. Then we too can know who we are to take time for and who is not ours to take time for.
• Reign in Your Time Killers. Who or what kills your time? TV, facebook, texting, phone calls, a needy co-worker who never gets enough of you? We give these time killers precious time from our day that could be used for something God has for us, even if it’s ten minutes of peace and quiet before the next urgency presents itself (I was eating a stack of delicious pancakes when Kerry discovered the dog’s mess in my room.) We are big girls now. No more excuses. Reign in your time killers. Give them the appropriate amount of time (some may need to go altogether) and then get on to the next thing.
Kerry’s carpet is clean and drying now. The blog is done and I’m off to the next thing on my index card. My day most likely won’t look like I planned, but it will be what God planned.
How do you handle that for which you did not sign up for in your life?

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