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May 17, 2012

Tips to Avoid Parental (and Adult Child) Regret

Filed under: Preparing and releasing kids,Summer with kids,Teaching kids responsibility — Brenda @ 3:22 pm

I wrote this blog a year ago, when all my girls were home for the summer.  As another summer is upon us, I want to encourage you along your parenting journey.  One thing I did was created a chore chart–the girls were glad (for the most part) to know exactly what they are responsible for and when. Hope this blog helps as you plan not only your summer fun, but your plan to help your kids learn responsibility and life skills. ~Brenda

When our oldest daughter was a teenager I never thought I would hear, “I am so thankful for the way you raised me.” But from time to time we hear this from her, even though we’ve been through our share of battles and hard situations with her. She’s twenty-five and reality is showing her that Mom and Dad weren’t so wrong after all.

My poor parenting played a significant role in our battles. But God got my attention along the way and taught me a few things so I could be a better mom and help my kids grow into great adults. Here are a few of my hard-learned lessons that have benefited my kids and our relationships.

* Teach your kids basic life skills then plan time to do them—daily, weekly, monthly. Yep, this sounds a lot like chores (and it is), but it is preparation for real life.

* Extracurricular activities are great, but shouldn’t consume your family’s schedule. Help each child decide on one activity (depending on time demands) per semester. This will allow time for the aforementioned chores, family time, and time for the child to be himself.

* Realize and accept the reality that you will not be the mommy forever. In your heart begin to see your child as their own person not an extension of you. Start by allowing him to express himself in his clothes and hair (within moral boundaries).

* What characteristics do you want your child to have when she leaves home? Responsible, good work ethic, honesty, kindness, etc.? What are you doing to teach these values to your child? For example:

1. Help your child make a budget. Give her an allowance to put it into practice. Make sure her budget includes frequent expenses that she is responsible for as well as savings.

2. Do you wake up your high school student? Who will do this when he is at college or when he is on his own who will get him up for work? Give him an alarm clock.

* Let your child experience the real-life consequences of her own choices. Recently one of our daughters paid her speeding ticket from her hard-earned and long-saved money. I stood with her in the county clerk’s office as she counted out the money from her wallet. Next to us was a teen boy who also was paying a speeding ticket. However, his father was the one counting the money from his wallet. I wonder if this boy learned anything from his speeding ticket.

* Know your child—his interests, talents, temperament. Encourage him along the way God designed him (Proverbs 22:6). Resist the temptation to sculpt him into someone he’s not. It will not end well.

As with all God’s kids (us included) there are no guarantees for success. But if we follow God’s lead as a parent we may hear, “Thanks, Mom! I appreciate the way you raised me.”

May 10, 2012

Guess Mom was Right After All ~by LeAnne Klopfenstein

Filed under: moms — Brenda @ 2:12 pm

My assistant LeAnne posted the following on her blog a few weeks ago, and I thought it would be fun to share it with you in honor of Mother’s Day.  Enjoy! ~Brenda

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love my mom.  And, when I grow up, I hope I can be like her.  Patient.  Humble.  Genuine.  Joyful.  Selfless.  Steady.  Smart.  Fun.  Involved.

Above all else, she is quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19).  Because of those qualities, I can look back at my life and see the humor my “Know-it-all” attitude has added to her life over the years.  Here are a few examples:

When I was in grade school, I wanted my name to be “Jill Smith”.  Nothing misspelled, nothing mispronounced.  Do you know how many ways there are to spell LeAnne??  Leann.  Leeanne.  Lian.  Leanne.  LeAnn.  Leighann.  Leigh Ann.  Lee Anne.  And, whatever way my grandma chose for that year’s birthday card.

  • I will never give my child a name that can be spelled more than 1 way.
  • What did I do?  Named my kids Kaitlin, Connor, and Kylie.

And, while I didn’t consider my last name anyone’s “fault”,  I could never figure out why “Ivaska” was so hard for people to spell or pronounce.

  • I can’t wait to have an easier last name!
  • What did I do?  Married a Klopfenstein.

When I was a senior in high school, I was determined to go to Ithaca and study journalism.

  • I am going as far away as possible.  I would never go to college around here!
  • What did I do?  Went to University of Iowa–2 hours away.  Completed my last 3 semesters of college at Bradley–and lived at home.

When I was 17, my mom said to me, “What is your future husband going to think about how messy you keep your closet?”

  • My closet will be clean when I’m married.  That has nothing to do with how I keep my closet now.
  • No comment (Although, I really wish I had responded with “I’ll marry someone who doesn’t care about the mess in my closet” because then I’d have gotten it right).

I’m the oldest of 4.  And, with 4 kids in the house, I was called Laurel, Joel, or Mark more than once.

  • I will never call my kids by the wrong name!
  • Sigh.

So, for all the times I erred and my mom’s silence proved her to be correct, I’m glad she put up with me.  And, I hope I can give my kids the same chance to look back and see that mom was right, after all.

April 27, 2012

Ask Yourself One Question & Become a Better Friend

Filed under: Friendships,Life as God's Girl,Relationships,Wisdom — Brenda @ 3:27 pm

This month we’re talking about relationships, so I want to address one thing that may be affecting your frienships. I have spoken often on the dangers of saying too much, gossiping, or sharing information that is not yours to share. However, it occurred to me that I’ve never talked about the opposite–being the person who baits her friends for this information. The question appears to show concern, but in reality it is digging for information that is no one else’s business.  It may reveal a confidence or put the other person on the spot to say more than she wants to share.

We women are often curious and concerned about our friends and their families. Sometimes we’re only trying to make conversation and out pops a probing question. We’ve also all been in situations that needed to be handled with discernment and discretion and were truly a private matter. When interviewing parents for my next book (Love No Matter What: When Your Kids Make Decisions You Don’t Agree With), one mom shared that during her son’s struggle the worst place for her to go was church. She said she tried especially to avoid going to the restroom because she would be cornered and asked questions she didn’t want to answer. How sad that church was the most difficult place for this hurting mom to go in her time of need. Is this what Christ meant when He prayed for our unity? (John 17)

If you want your friendships to go deep and endure, not asking intrusive questions is vital. My grandpa had a great comeback for people who snooped in his business. He would reply, “Now why would you want to know a thing like that?” Answer this question before you ask a friend about something that’s not your business. Your true motive for asking will be revealed. Then you can follow up by considering, “How would I feel if someone asked me this question or about this topic?” Again Jesus is our Teacher. In Luke 6:31 He taught us, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

God has made us for relationship and unity in His body. Asking ourselves “Why would I want to know a thing like that?”  before we speak will work wonders in building authentic friendships.

April 19, 2012

My Inner Circle—Sometimes a Messy Place

Filed under: Encouragement,Friendships,Relationships,Waiting on God — Brenda @ 4:12 pm

Lately I’ve been wading in the depths of speaking the truth in love—me to a friend, a friend to me, me to my girls, a friend to her family.

It can be heavy stuff, especially if the other person is not tracking with you or doesn’t want to hear it. But when truth is spoken between two people who are invested in each other and realize the other person is not going anywhere, the experience deepens the relationship.

Recently a friend called for encouragement. She’s one of my inner-circle, trusted friends. I used my usual tactful-shoot-from-the-hip style that you have come to love and expect. She wasn’t in the mood for it so she dodged my silver bullet. I could tell I wasn’t being helpful.

She changed the subject to me—asking probing questions that stirred up a few issues God and I discussed last night. I did not want to go there again! But she kept listening and I kept trying to explain how I had a right to be frustrated. She kept listening. Then she said, “I know if you’re seeking God, He will be found.”

Her statement was not offered as a cliché. She said it from sincerity of her faith in God. Her words hit my heart to the core. She was right. I could either quit or I could continue to pursue God and wait for Him to answer and move. More than that—her words assured me that God is active in my life. He is not on the sidelines. He is working on His schedule for my life—not mine. Wow. I needed that.

I am so thankful for my friend who let me be messy with her.  She spoke a few well-chosen words of truth and then she let God speak to me. I am thankful she hung in there with me and that neither my messiness nor my unhelpful “words of encouragement” scared her away. What a gift.

Rich friendships are grown slowly and with discernment. Who in your life has potential to be an Inner Circle Girl? Will you persevere and work through the hard stuff? Will you give each other grace when one of you is messy?

I would love to hear a line about one of your Inner Circle Girls.

April 12, 2012

Remain Relevant—Choosing Our Response to Life’s Changes

Filed under: Contentment,New opportunites,Preparing and releasing kids,life changes,next step in life — Brenda @ 8:41 pm

Easter was very different in our house this year:

* Not one piece of Easter candy stepped foot into our home.

* No Katie.

* No egg dyeing.

* No company.

Kelsey and Kerry did not want candy to tempt them. Katie, a junior in college, is in the midst of art projects and couldn’t make it home. Since Katie wasn’t home, the other girls did not want to dye eggs. And, unlike most years, I did not host Easter dinner.

You may be thinking, “What a sad weekend!,” but for us, my entire list reveals good things.  Kelsey and Kerry will be healthier without the candy. Katie is passionately pursuing her degree and doing well in school. It’s always fun to go to someone else’s house for a holiday.

And, all these situations accentuate the other changes in my life that I must also embrace as good:

* The girls have more independent lives and are in and out of the house sporadically.

* Traditions that were fun and meaningful when the girls were little no longer “work”—so we need to come up with new traditions.

* My current school and writing schedules don’t leave me the discretionary time needed to prepare for a large family holiday dinner.

Over the past few weeks I have chatted with other moms who are facing life changes. Each of us needed to ask ourselves, “Will I label this change good and embrace it and celebrate it?” or “Will I label this change bad, resist it and become sad over it?”

If we choose the latter, we will be sidelined. No longer relevant. From there it’s a slippery slope to bitterness. The sooner we recognize the changes in our situation and adjust our thinking and actions, the healthier our relationships—including our relationship with God—will be.

If you’re in a season where the pieces of your life are good, enjoy it and celebrate it—don’t take it for granted. If you’re in a season that’s different from what you like, you have the choice to make. Will you let God grow you? Will you let go of the way things used to be and open your heart to the new thing He has for you? Will you find the good even when it’s not exactly your way?

Yep, I miss the girls running through the house on Easter morning looking for candy. I miss my discretionary time. But I love where we all are and where we are headed. I wouldn’t change anything if I could. I just need to keep that in mind when change mixes up my life yet again.

March 29, 2012

Are You Guilty of Starving Your Relationships?

Filed under: Interruptions,Relationships — Brenda @ 3:49 pm

Last week I heard a young woman from South Africa talk about her experience attending college in the States. She said one of the biggest differences about living here is relationships. Our relationships are shallower than hers in South Africa. She went on to say we Americans are too rushed and don’t take time to listen to and notice each other.

Her words resonated in me as something I deeply desire—rich relationships. Yet, her words also convicted me to the core–the times I’m half there with my kids because my face is focused on my iphone or when I’m pretending to listen to a friend but my mind has moved on to the next thing on my to-do list.

Technology can be one of the biggest threats to real relationship. One of my friends shared her insights with me about technology and relationships. She said technology (facebook, texting, twitter, etc.) give the illusion of relationship, but is really a fake relationship. It is a type of relationship junk food—it promises to meet our needs but gives no real substance to take our relationships deeper. Yes, Skyping with out-of-town friends and family is rich and real. But reading about friends on facebook does not make up for listening to and looking in the eyes of another person.

How do we grow richer relationships? By being present.

* When family is home the phone and computer are not an option. No checking anything until a specified time.

* When talking with another person and others are around (church, work, school, store, etc.) maintain eye contact. Do not look past the other person to see who is coming or waving at you.

* For the people in your life you really want to know and pour into (family/inner circle of friends or potential friends, mentorees), make unrushed time to be with them. This means you will need to cut out less important stuff or cut back on time spent with people who don’t mean as much to you.

When I look back on my life, I won’t care about how many to-do lists I completed. I will care about the people who are most important to me. I want to go deep with them in this life. All of a sudden I’m craving chocolate cake and coffee and a good friend to share it with.

How do you grow rich relationships?

March 22, 2012

Isabella

Filed under: Prayer,Trusting God — Brenda @ 5:03 pm

This week I read the story of Sojourner Truth—a woman from the 1800’s who has changed my prayer life. She was born around 1797 (since she was a slave her actual birthdate is not known). Born Isabella, the only religious training she received was from her mother telling her “God is her friend and He lives in the sky.” From her mother’s small amount of teaching and the leading of the Holy Spirit she developed an intimate and insightful relationship with God. She did this in part by stealing away to her secret prayer place in the woods several times a day. There she talked to God as she would a friend. One day she realized that many times she did not ask God for help until after she needed it—after she was whipped or put in a difficult situation. She decided to pray and to ask God for exactly what she needed when she realized the need. The weirdest thing happened—He answered. She wasn’t freed from her master, but she received help and provision when she needed it.

Isabella’s story challenged me. I live a typical middleclass American lifestyle—luxury beyond Isabella’s wildest dreams. My biggest worry was completing a paper about her. I certainly would not be beaten for not completing the paper. And what else had occupied my thoughts? My to-do list. My thoughts did not include turning to God for help. When was the last time I had headed to my soft sofa or peaceful backyard for prayer throughout my day? I confess: I run like a little mouse on the “exercise wheel” through my day—seldom jumping off to pray and ask God for help, insights, or just talk to Him.

I decided to model Isabella’s prayer life this week. I talk to God throughout my day. When a worry comes to mind I immediately talk to God about it. I ask Him for specific help or guidance. Guess what? He answers. Hold on—I’m not saying God is a magic genie nor is the only reason to pray to get something from God. But how often do I worry and fret instead of praying? God wants to give me good things, but He wants me to ask. (Matthew 7:7-12)

There will be many times when God says no or the answer doesn’t come for months or even years. But I am missing out on the answers God wants to give me today, if only I’ll ask. In this process of praying I draw closer to God and know Him better. Isn’t that the purpose of prayer?

I will always be indebted to Isabella, a woman who discovered freedom in Christ decades before she was a free woman. Thank you, Isabella. I look forward to meeting you someday.

The Narrative of Sojourner Truth, edited by Margaret Washington.

March 15, 2012

Why Didn’t I Think This Would be Hard?

Filed under: Transitions,persistence — Brenda @ 2:26 pm

This blog first appeared in September–but encouraging you is so much on my heart that now seemed a great time to republish it. I am heading off to Hearts at Home today, so if you will be there please stop and say hello! And may you all (wherever you will be) have a good weekend of renewal with our Savior!

This month as we move past our I-will-never’s and our just-don’t-want-to’s, we must soberly consider the length of time and work it may take to achieve the mission God gives us. I made the mistake of believing part of what God said, not realizing the whole truth. Mark Twain said, “It’s not what you know that hurts you. It’s what you know that isn’t so.” When God called me to write/speak, I wholeheartedly believed Him. So I thought if I followed the formula—doing all He showed me to do—the results would be instantaneous. However, I missed one important component in the Israelites experience in taking the Promised Land—elapsed time.

We can easily read through Deuteronomy and the exciting adventures of the Israelites and miss the parts that reveal how much time elapsed. Moses spent forty years in Midian working for his father-in-law. For forty years Moses led an often rebellious Israel in the wilderness. Joshua came under Moses’ tutelage at age forty-five, but didn’t take over leading the nation until forty years later. Caleb “followed the LORD [his] God fully” for forty-five years. At age eighty-five Caleb, with the help of the LORD, drove out the Anakim and took as his inheritance from Moses the fortified cities and territory of Hebron (Joshua 14:6-15). Our journey and mission with God is for a lifetime, not the overnight-instant-success-name-it-and-claim-it pseudo gospel our Western culture panders.

Throughout their lifetimes Moses, Joshua, and Caleb weren’t sitting in rocking chairs waiting for God to do something amazing on their behalf. They were working hard and doing battle.

In Deuteronomy and Joshua 1 God repeatedly tells Moses, Joshua, and the Israelites to possess the Promised Land. Possess does not mean to merely show up and move in. Possess means “to occupy by driving out previous tenants and possess their place. By implication—to seize, to expel, destroy, without fail.” God expected the Israelites to do battle for their land.

Why did I believe pursuing God’s mission for me would be easy? Why did I fall for the subtle, but disabling lie that if I was living God’s plan for me everything would come together easily and on my timetable? How did I miss Exodus 23:29-30, where concerning possessing the Promised Land God tells Moses, “But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.” Living God’s mission takes time and only God knows the timetable. Our part is to faithfully obey, loving God and others.

Living God’s mission will take time, lots of time, and it will require hard work. If the faithful who have gone before us persevered and worked hard, why shouldn’t we? Where do you need to readjust your expectations?

March 8, 2012

“I Know There’s More in You”

Filed under: Confidence,Encouragement,New opportunites,next step in life — Brenda @ 9:05 pm

“I know there’s more in you.” This was one of the comments one of my dear friends gave me as she read the manuscript of my new book. Her insight surprised me. She was right. I could dig deeper, give more, and write better. Her words also encouraged me. She let me know she believed I was capable of more. It was the challenge that made me think harder about what would help and encourager my readers.

It is my deepest desire to give my all, my absolute best for God. But it’s more than trying hard and persevering. It’s taking time with God to let Him speak to me intimately and then give from that depth.

Do you give all of what is in you? It’s what God expects of us. Judges 6 tells the story of young man, Gideon, who God called upon to do more than he could imagine. The nation of Israel disobeyed God so profusely that He allowed them to be disciplined by another nation. The Midianites “prevailed against Israel” so much so that the people of Israel were living in caves and dens to hide from the Midianites. The angel of the LORD found Gideon thrashing wheat in a winepress so the Midianites wouldn’t find him and steal his food. The angel tells Gideon, “The LORD is with you, mighty warrior.” Gideon does not feel mighty nor like a warrior and blames this on God. Verse 14 says, “The LORD looked at him and said, ‘Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”

God doesn’t expect more of Gideon than he has to give. However, God knows Gideon is not living up to the potential God put in him. He commands Gideon to give all he has. Gideon had been hiding out in caves and winepresses so long that he believed God had abandoned Israel (verse 13). He has lost faith in the Almighty God. Now God is giving Gideon the chance to make a difference for his nation. “Give all you’ve got, Gideon. That’s all I’m asking.”

God is giving us a chance to make a difference in our world too.

* Pour yourself into your parenting.

* Love your husband when he’s going through a hard time.

* Follow a ministry opportunity for which you are gifted and called.

* Accept a career opportunity for which you are well-suited and God has made the way.

* Go back to school.

* Adopt a healthy lifestyle of exercise and healthy eating so you can feel better and serve God stronger.

After Gideon’s excuses (verse 13), God reminds Gideon, “Am I not sending you?” Giving our best when God sends requires that we push aside anything less important. It will require intentionality and saying no to distractions.

Do your part and God will show up and do His part. Gideon clearly did not believe God would do His part. Keep reading and you’ll see how he asked God for proof. God has promised will always do His part. In Joshua 1:5 God tells us, “I will not fail you or forsake you” (NASB). The writer of Hebrews reminds us of this truth, “for He Himself [God] has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I every forsake you’” (13:5). God won’t fail us. Our part is to “go in the strength you have.” God will do His part.

Where do you need to “go in this your strength”?

I know the next thing God calls us to can be scary. But He is there with us. “Go in the strength you have.”

February 25, 2012

When Our Kids Make Decisions We Don’t Agree With?-Giving Your Child Room to Grow 

Filed under: Kids,Non-negotiables,Preparing and releasing kids,parenting — Brenda @ 2:13 pm

first posted as a guest blog on February 8, 2012 for author and speaker Jill Savage~thought I’d share it with my audience, too!

Last year we went to see our oldest daughter, Katie, in her studio apartment at college. She knew we were coming and was excited for our visit. She answered the door and the four of us came in and stood. And stood. Then we started to shuffle around a bit. There was no place to sit.

Every piece of furniture including the kitchen chairs displayed Katie’s artwork or art supplies. We made our way through the one-room apartment as if touring a real-life artist’s studio where he lived and worked. And that’s exactly what it was. Katie lived her art work.

She couldn’t have been happier or more proud for us to make our way through the maze and comment on her accomplishments for the semester. That day I realized that all the neatness I tried to inflict on her (at least in her bedroom) was like a siphon stealing oxygen from her world. Her “messiness” was where she created and thrived as the person God made her.

However, other times in Katie’s life haven’t been such a pretty mess. My husband and I have learned what’s important and what’s not as we pursue relationship with her when she makes decisions we don’t agree with.

Just as Katie needed space to flourish in the person and artist God made her to be, all of our kids need space to grow, make mistakes, and hopefully one day hear the voice of God calling their names. It would be nice if they would do their growing in a neat Petri dish, but that’s not going to happen.

Here are a few practical helps to help your child and your relationship with her thrive:

~It’s a process and every mistake doesn’t need our full arsenal unleashed. Take it from the Queen of Over-reaction. Once I figured out why I over-reacted, I dialed back my response to a more appropriate one. Decide your non-negotiables and everything can’t be non-negotiable.

~Give biblical advice, but not chapter and verse. If your child is veering away, the one thing that won’t draw him back is a mini-sermon from you. Last summer Katie worked in a store full of women and one passive man. As you can imagine, drama reigned supreme. Many times Katie came to me for advice on navigating the unhealthy work environment. My advice was always, “Speak the truth kindly and clearly.” That wisdom was from Ephesians 4:15, 25, 29,31-32. Guess what? It worked. Katie avoided the mess and earned an excellent recommendation from her boss. She also learned a life skill that serves her well.

~Be patient with God and your child. God is working in this mess for your kid’s good and God’s glory. Grace, a thirty-something mom and former “messy kid,” shared with me about her journey to God. “God kept doing His thing with me. Parents are always looking for the big experience—the retreat, the counselor. It’s not going to happen that way. It’s a slow gradual process.” Grace and her family are currently in full-time ministry.

~Love and accept them where they are. It’s hard to do this when our kids are making choices we don’t agree with. But think of a time when someone loved and accepted you even though you didn’t deserve it. Didn’t you want to spend more time with that person and get to know them? Our love and acceptance of our child in the midst of her messiness is one thing that may draw them back to God. Take your daughter for coffee and talk about her passion. Send your son a gift card with a note of encouragement. Text her and tell her how glad you are that she’s your girl. Any of these are a refreshing breeze through a tense relationship.

Moms, we’re all messy. Jesus gives us space to work it out with Him. Let’s do the same for our kids.

What about you?  What’s one way you’ve given your messy kid room to grow?

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